How to Get Hired at an Interview as a Procrastinator, without meeting the qualifications or having any actual experience or work ethic

​You don’t want to work a 9-5 job. Your ultimate goal is to get out of that. You hate getting up in the morning. You hate meeting deadlines and going to boring meetings. You hate the repetitive grind.

But maybe, you’re just not “there” yet and don’t have the resources yet to leave it.  Yet maybe, you need a quote on quote “real” job to pay the bills.

Yet being the key word. You’ll get where you want to be, slowly, eventually.

Remember also, you don’t NEED to do anything. It’s just a matter of whether or not you care enough about the consequences of not doing said action. You’re too lazy to care about consequences.

You’re getting a 9-5 job because you want a consistent income/pay check for now. For now. That’s key, it doesn’t have to last forever. You can quit or stop going to work when you want to, if you feel like it.

And what’s worse case scenario? Stop paying your bills then either go to jail and get free room and board, access to a gym, and healthcare or become homeless and be a nomad who travels wherever he wants.

It may sound preposterous to suggest not caring if you wind up in prison or on the streets from lack of a good work ethic, but  that’s how much HBDC (Honey Badger Don’t Care ) you need as a PROCrastinator.

And so what if you’re in the 9-5 grind right now? You’re moving slowly towards what you want. You’re not stuck in it. You deliberately chose to be there and can lay on the couch at home instead if you want to. It’s your world, your island. The world is your hammock.

​If you lose your job, no big deal, man. There’s another one out there you can find later, and if you don’t, you’ll still be good.

While you’re out  on the job hunt though, you’ll no doubt come across these little mind games called “Interviews”.

You just have to know how to play them. Think of it like an old game of Starcraft (or chess for that matter) where you have to build the proper strategy to conquer your opponent. 

You win by setting things up in a tactful arrangements and swooping in to crush the opposition, not reacting blindly to your opponent turn by turn, moment to moment.

If you’re lazy, sitting at home playing PC and board strategy games, like me, you know victory comes when you predict your opponent’s decisions, dodge them with ease and set up your own traps.

It’s deliberation, not reaction.

Likewise, when it comes to job interviews, you’re not answering questions as they come, you’re looking at the overall picture of where the conversation is headed and the implied reason behind each of your opponent’s moves (in this case, interview questions).


 Job interviews are screening to make sure you’re going to be an obedient hardworking slave. You, as a procrastinator, a Lazy Mastermind, must recognize these manipulative tactics and shut them down, spin it on its head, and put them in your (bed) frame.

You make it clear, you’re not a hardworking slave. As a matter of fact, you’re just lazy. Sounds controversial and counter intuitive but it’ll land you the job and open up doors for further promotions in the future. You will pass any job interview with ease.

If you’re entering the corporate world, may God, Zeus, Kratos, Raiden, and whatever other deity bless your soul, but may these tips on landing a corporate job help you.

You want to get hired during an interview? The main point to keep in mind throughout the duration of the interview process is this: Leaders are lazy. They get other people and systems to do the work for them. You are demonstrating you are leader by demonstrating you are lazy.

I will be writing the rest of this article by first stating the typical interview question you will be given, then interpreting what they really mean, through the lens of the Lazy Mindset, I will then tell you what they are looking for if you want to show you’re a mindless hardworking slave, and finally I will suggest a response you should use to show the interviewer that you are a PROcrastiantor and true leader.

Here are the top common interview questions and answers.

1.
What they ask:
Can you give an example of how you handled a stressful situation in your previous work experience?

What they really mean:
I’m going to harass and bully you and stress you out, and I want to make sure that you’re going to keep your mouth shut and just listen to exactly what I say and follow my instruction without any questions or hesitation. Please give me an example of how you did that in the past so I know that you’re mentally weak and easily manipulated.

The answer they expect:
Yes, I had this dreadfully awful and stressful situation arise and I did my darndest to put a stop to it. I was successful, and it tired me out, but I’d do it again if I had to.

What you should say instead:
I create a stress-free work environment and don’t tolerate drama. If something does come up, I handle it nonchalantly and don’t get worked up. I have not solved a stressful problem because my life is a drama free and stress free zone and that includes my work life. It wasn’t stressful for me at all, maybe for some, but not for me.. I’ve had unexpected things happen, sure, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Like I said, my life is drama and stress free.






2.
What they ask:
Tell me about a time that you were given a large work load. How did you juggle things to get it all done?

What they really mean:
I want to make sure you strive for impossible go above and beyond to meet standards. I am going to push your limits -- drain your resources mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I want you to make sure you just suck up and do it rather than stick up for yourself.

The answer they expect:
I slugged for hours on end to get this project done all by myself to meet the deadline. I was multi-tasking many things at once. I worked overtime and lost sleep.

What you should stay instead:
Easy.

First, I made a list of things I wanted to do and a list of things I didn’t want to do.

Everything on the second list was delegated to my subordinates. I inspired and encouraged them,and they did the work for me

I then found ways to automate as many things as possible on my own to-do list with software solutions.

No juggling involved. I found an easy way to do what I had to get done, done. I’m not going to do circus tricks when there’s a simpler method of completing tasks.

3.
What they ask:
What are your career goals? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

What they really mean:
I want to make sure you’re a loyal little slave and won’t be running off my field or raising some sort of protest. I want see that you’re going to dutifully work for me and only me. I’m going to be your mastermaster and I want to be assured you see me as yours for years to come.

The answer they expect:
I plan to be moving on up in the company. I will do whatever it takes to be promoted. It’s my dream job to work here and for this company. I believe in their mission and am a fan of some of the leaders.

What you should stay instead:
Retired.
One word, simple, to the point, and “ambitious”, whatever that means. You just don’t want to be working your whole life and have no intention of working under the same company for years.






4. What they ask:
Tell me about a time you were a successful leader.

What they really mean:
I don’t want you to actually hold any position of power. I just want you to be around to bark at other slaves when I’m not around. You may think you make decisions, but I can always override them, so they better be in line with what I actually want.

What you should say instead:
“Hold on. “
Pause for a moment.
“Now repeat the question.”
They repeat it.
“There ya go.”

By pausing you did things on your time.
Then you tell them in a firm, yet friendly tone to repeat the question. Don’t ask it as a question and don’t say “please”. You’re too lazy to add polite word vomit. Just say it and get to the point.

You show not only that you can lead, but you can lead your potential boss or hiring person. Small acts of servitude lead to larger compliance in the future.

I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, and I can honestly tell you, from the interviewers’ perspective, they’re not really listening to you (as the interviewee) or your story or your experience.






5. What they ask:
What is your weakness?

What they really mean:
I want to actually hear about a strength, you idiot, but I’m disguising this question

What you should say instead:
I’m lazy. I prefer to have people do things for me by delegating them, so I’ve developed strong leadership skills. I’m also creative in finding ways to make things faster, easier, and more efficient because I’m too lazy to do things the hard way.

They’re listening to the way you tell it and the attitude you have, and the amount of calmness and confidence you present. The more you embrace your laziness, the more relaxed you become. The more relaxed you became, the stronger level of confidence you will radiate.  Likewise, the more embrace your "waste of time hobby, the better skilled and knowledgeable you'll become at it, just naturally without even trying, like playing round after round of Fortnite. They’re looking for passion and confidence -- the two ingredients for success.

Passion is a fancy way of saying “I like doing the damned thing” and confidence is a fancy word for saying “I don’t give a fuck.



The lazier you are, the easier it is to embrace these two things and ultimately, reach success.

If you work hard for passion and confidence, if you’re trying hard to be more confident or you’re trying hard to find a passion, you’re going about it the wrong way.

You don’t force these things. They come to you naturally, easily.

If it doesn’t put your mind at ease then it’s not your passion, and confidence is not about “feeling better” about yourself, it’s about feeling too lazy to care how your existence interrupts others’.


Another tip during the interview, in general, is to use good body language for an interview. Start by taking up space and make yourself comfortable. Lean back, stretch, physically show that you’re cozy sitting in the room with them. Be so comfortable to the point where you make them feel like they’re coming into YOUR office. Pretend it’s your office and lounge out.

I’m not saying you should put your feet up on the desk or lay across the chairs or actually take a nap during the interview, but just put your hands behind your head and lean back ever so slightly. Keep your arms open and relaxed.

No tense body language, loosen those muscles up. You don’t have to lean in and pretend to be interested. You don’t have to sit all prim and proper in an uncomfortable position.

Do NOT slouch though. Slouching is a stress-induced, anxiety-driven sitting position. You’re not stressed; you’re care free, cool, confident, and lazy.  You’r e also not anxious, you’re relaxed. You’r elaid BACK, not slouched forward.

We’ll have to go more into lazy body language in the future, but for now you’ve got enough basics to cover a job interview.

Again, don’t get a job if you don’t want to. Do it because it’s easier to pay the bills by going to it right now. You must always take the easy way out. Then quit when you feel like it and find it no longer necessary or you’re just tired of it.

By the way, I once had a roommate who had absolutely zero experience in retail or management, but he used stories he heard from his friends who had worked in those job to pass interviews and landed a gig as a Shift Manager at GameStop.

I personally don't encourage lying because it takes too much effort to remember stuff instead of just telling the truth, but alas, another topic for another time.

Take it easy. Take it reeeaaaal easy.