Better not kiss anyone under the mistletoe, yet alone take off your mask. Oh bring us some vaccine pudding.
We’ll all be singing “I’ll be Home for Christmas” because there’s really no other choice but to be home anyway, ya know since we’re all in quarantine.
“C’mon and get up. Open some presents.”In normal circumstances saying “No” to this invitation would be rather Grinchy (even though your soul isn’t full of garlic and you’re just too lazy to deal with it.
...But now you can just say you’re doing your part to “flatten the curve” by staying on the couch without appearing like a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
I mean cause I don’t know about you but ever since I was a kid, Christmas was the time to spend all day playing video games. Just sittin’ on the couch, playing video games, all day. As an adult, not much has changed. And now, especially during this global outbreak, you bet your fruit cake I’m gonna be sittin’ on the couch all day playing video games!
As a procrastin8r, 2020 is probably going to be the best Christmas ever! All the typical obligations you have are thrown back up the chimney thanks to this coronavirus. Let’s dive into it!
No need to feel guilty for not putting up that big ass blow up snowman in your front yard or fancying up a tree with ornaments and lights in your living room, yet alone tidying up your place in the first place to impress your guests.
No one’s coming over.
Ya ain’t gotta clean up that disheveled mess of your living space you reside in. Ya ain’t gotta light it all up with red and green either.
So what if there are piles of clothes all over your bed room and dishes over-piling the sink in the kitchen? No one’s gonna see it. No one’s gonna complain. Whatever.
Ya ain’t gotta climb up in the attic and perform the annual tradition of dusting off the old snowglobes and nativity scene to put up on your shelves for a few short weeks. All the decor and lights can stay in the box this year and no one’s gonna be disappointed.
And since they’re staying up there in that old attic, ya ain’t gotta go through the ritual of repacking the dozens of ornaments, trying to fit each one in the right box, then carrying back all the way up there and putting away for another twelve months.
Think of all the time and energy you're saving, man. Decorating is a lot of work, work in which is completely unnecessary this year (though one could argue that it’s unnecessary every year, even when we aren’t in quarantine but I digress)
Point is, you can relax and check one thing off your to-do list without ever having to actually do it.
People aren’t even gonna drive by and see your unlit porch. No one’s really travelling. We’re all indoors. I mean the price of gas is so damn cheap right now. People aren’t driving about.
Plus, between all the lights on the Christmas tree and gingerbread valley and the robotic blow up characters of everyone from the North Pole not being plugged in, yet alone set up, yet alone even taken out of the box, you’ll save money on your electric bill.
I don’t know about you, but I’m all about saving money I don’t have to spend.
You can basically be a cheap lazy bastard without looking like a Scrooge.
You don’t have to wrap gifts
It’s the season of giving.
Rushing out to the store the day after Thanksgiving to buy the latest gaming console or blender at a slight discount has become an American tradition.
Black Friday is typically a war zone. People literally die
You have grandma beating up a younger gentleman so she can get her discount on furry bunny slippers and an angry fat man pushing people out of his way to buy his new colossal sized fridge. It’s nuts!
But with social distancing rules in place, there’s a bit of a ceasefire this year. Crowds are banned and so stores are actually controlling the amount of people that can enter the store.
Genius idea. Quite frankly something they should have put in place before this whole apocalypse thing. I don’t understand the point of letting people run wild into a department store in some sort of battle royale to try and grab a deal “while supplies last.”
These social distance guidelines should continue to be in place even after all this blows over. Something about having someone step on my foot to get Rubbermaid containers at a slightly reduced price doesn’t sit right in my stomach.
Social distancing is a slower pace. We actually have to take our time to do things like shop. And I like that. I don’t like feeling rushed to get things done, man. I like takin’ it nice n’ easy. That’s the lazy way.
Now to clarify, I don’t like to go out to the store shopping anyway, yet alone on Black Friday. I don’t like risking my life just to go shopping or risking exerting any more energy than I have to for that matter.
I prefer clicking a few buttons on my phone and having the present delivered straight to my door in a few days than getting off my ass to actually go out to a store. Cyber shopping is a beautiful thing.
But even if you do click your way through holiday shopping like I do, you’re still expected to wrap it up in reindeer wrapping and tie it with a pretty Christmas bow. Fuck that.
(To be fair though, I’m the type of guy to just hand you an Amazon Prime box and call it a day though)
This year, there’s no need to fumble about measuring the girth of boxes, cutting the perfect size wrapping paper and taping it all together, nor rummaging through old storage to find a gift bag to shove it in because you’re too lazy to actually wrap it .
All you need to do is send the gift directly to the person’s doorstep. None of this Christmas wrapping bullshit.
My family and I used a site called Elfster (NOT sponsored btw) as a Christmas exchange for 2020. It basically randomizes a “Secret Santa” for everyone who’s participating.
You get someone to gift for. Someone gets you. Everyone can create their own “wish list” so you don’t even have to ask or try and find out what to give. Just pick something from the person you’re giving to’s wishlist.
You’ll see their address in Elfster then just login to Amazon or whatever, add that gift to your cart, and boom! Santa’s sleigh is on his way! Just make sure you change the shipping address to the person you're sending it to so you don’t wind up with Elmo bubblebath or some weird gift someone else wanted at your own doorstep. Again, um, not sponsored tho.
You save a lot of hassle of wrapping the gift, storing it, and even transporting it to/from your car when you go to whatever holiday party you’ll be attending. The holiday party you’re going to is virtual and so you don’t have to physically do anything to prepare for it.
You’ll watch your gift recipient open their gift on a Zoom call and they will not at all be turned off by the fact that you didn’t wrap it. You didn’t have to wrap it. It came in an Amazon box and that’s good enough damnit!
I hate wrapping presents, when i try it looks like a pile of trash taped together, and I’m so glad I’m not expected to go through that this year.
You don’t have to cook
No baking cookies. Santa’s off this year.
No putting together a fruit cake that no one will eat. (I think we should collectively decide NOT to make fruit cake tbh. No one likes it anyway).
You don’t have to prep n’ cook for about a dozen guests nor help the host chop some onions to get the stuffing ready. It’s pre-heated Christmas meals baby!
Hot pocket as the main course? You betcha!
Bryer’s ice cream for dessert? Of course!
Making a holiday meal is a lot of labor and since giant get togethers are all together banned from happening, there’s no need to pour hours into creating that festive meal.
No pre-heating the oven. No defrosting the turkey. Just hit a few buttons on the microwave, baby.
No setting the table with the special snowman utensils and glassware. Paper plates is where it’s at now!
And because of that...NO DISHES! You don’t have to scrub the Christmas tree teapot your mom gave you or wipe clean the counter after your uncle spills beans all over. There’s absolutely NO CLEANUP this year.
You don’t even have to dress up all nice and fancy to sit at the dining room table. You can lay back, on the couch, in your cozy Rudolph onesie, enjoying your lovely TV dinner and just throw it at when you’re finished eating. (I’m about to get the environmentalists hollaring at me, but I mean, you could eat the paper or plastic too if ya want...I mean....)
Cooking your meal takes just a few seconds to heat it up in the microwave and even shorter than that to “clean up” and put it in the trash can.
I mean you could probably order Chinese take-out if you’re in the mood and skip the step of even having to heat anything up. That might be the only type of restaurant open for delivery, but who knows? The restaurant industry has been quite slammed by this pandemic. Maybe a few local places will be open to try and compensate for the loss in profits.
Show your support for restaurants and make an order, then feast like it’s...the holidays.
Put your apron away and your PJs on! It’s time to be a holiday procrastin8r not a holiday chef.
Whether it’s a family get together, a small group of friends, or a big holiday house party that you usually attend, those obligations are null and void now thanks to this quarantine.
Being social can be quite energy depleting, especially if you’re a lazy introvert who’d rather sit around and watch Christmas movies instead of dance to jingle jangles all night.
Fortunately, the most social thing you have to do this year come December 25th is maybe hop on a Zoom call for a few minutes.
Heck, you could be playing a game on your PC during that, and no one would know the wiser. After all, in a Zooom call you can be present without actually being present. You’re in the same call, sure, but you’re all in different places, doing different things. You don’t necessarily have to actively participate and attempt to be the “life of the party.”
You’re essentially just chillin’ in your house. Your webcam just happens to be on and there’s a few people you know on video on your screen.
But that’s about it. You can even mute yourself and turn off your camera -- disappear essentially. You can’t exactly pull that sort of magic trick at an actual (non-virtual) party.
You don’t have to dance or even freaking walk around like you would at a social gathering or party. You don’t have to awkwardly squish as your cousin takes up more than half the couch with his fat ass.
You can lay back in your undies and take up as much space as you want. No one will know. They’ll just see your face, not what’s going on underneath.
Anytime you find yourself bored or antisocial during the Zoom call with your friends/family this holiday, you can just blame it on the shitty wifi or microphone crapping out or some other technical difficulty.
Social obligations are “frozen” and you can warm up on the couch instead of rockin’ around the Christmas tree.
You don’t have to even leave the house
Ah, the best part about all this!
Whether you normally travel out to visit your parents in podunk no where or rush to the city to watch a tree lighting ceremony, this year, you can just chill at home.
No bundling up in large coats, hats, gloves, and scarves to stay warm in the elements. Pajamas will keep you toasty enough indoors.
You don’t have to dash through the snow to get anywhere, yet alone grandma’s house. You don’t have to climb down the chimney. You can just lean back, flick on some Christmas movies, pour yourself a nice mug of hot chocolate and totally relax on your big comfy and ass-worn couch.
Merry Christmas and enjoy this quarantine during the holidays. After all, it’s not every year that everyone is celebrating by being a procrastin8r.