We all want to be loved, to find love, to experience love. And most of all, in our love, we want to be happy and to share that happiness with another.
We all find love at one point or another in our lives and at another point, lose said love. Despite our deep desire to love and be loved, we tend to walk away from it when we have it (or have someone walk away from us for that matter)
Love should last, but it typically doesn’t. Not in reality. This isn’t a movie.
I mean, with the divorce rate well over 50%, we must be doing something completely wrong.
And that number there isn’t counting the couples who are separated but haven’t made it official on paper, or the ones who are still together but just not happy or maybe there’s cheating involved and they aren’t faithful to each other. The list goes on and on.
The couples who love each other and are happy and faithful, the “true love” we’re all seeking after, is actually something quite rare. We’re looking at probably less than 5% of people “in love”, a very small fraction.
It’s a shame, a real damn shame, that love doesn’t last as long as it should or come as often as it should. Well, to be fair, maybe it does come a lot, but certainly doesn’t stick around “forever and always.”
How is it that people fall out of love as quickly as they fell into it? Why does something so seemingly abundant appear out of reach?
Certainly if love is something we all want then it shouldn’t be too much of a burden to find one that lasts. After all, love is something we all seek to fulfill.
I want to explore today what I think is the fundamental problem behind this “love lost” phenomenon and what we can do to find true love, or better yet, have true love find us, and still, even better, actually keep it.
You see, because I believe that “true love” itself is NOT a fairytale. It’s a real damn thing. The fairytale part of the story, however, is how that love actually comes about. That’s what’s false.
We’ve been lied to, brainwashed, into thinking and behaving a certain way to keep us from finding the love we deserve.
Anyway, without further ado, let’s dive right into it!
We work too hard for love.
We put in way too much effort into a relationship than really needs to be done. We make issues out of non-issues. We look for flaws(in the other person) and then choose not to accept them, instead of looking for things to appreciate.
While you can’t ignore flaws, to go out of your way and purposefully look for them, reaffirm they are true, and make a big deal out of them is counter-intuitive.
We’re making it hard on ourselves and thus our relationships tend to go sideways.
No relationship can last between any two people that insist on affirming their own insecurities about the other person. Such behavior is detrimental to the relationship entirely.
And believe me, going out of your way to nitpick and nag about little irrelevant things is not only a lot of work but also a waste of time, and not to mention harmful to the relationship itself.
We’re not being lazy enough. We’re not relaxed enough about it. We remain anxious and worrisome with thoughts of “What if this doesn’t work out?” whenever our partner makes a mistake or otherwise does something detestable.
If the immediate reaction is to doubt the strength of the relationship whenever something slightlyless than perfect occurs, then it is that doubt within itself that weakens the relationship, not the actual occurrence that happened.
Furthermore, we try so hard to please our partner that we wind up sacrificing our own dignity. You can’t have a partner who respects you if you don’t respect yourself. You have to have boundaries.
Rather than simply set up boundaries and lean back, we attempt to rebuild our entire structure, who we are as a person, in order to appease to our partner’s wishes.
You bend over backwards just to see them smile and in turn, they manage to find something you’ve done wrong.
Or maybe you’re on the flip side and are the one feverishly finding flaws within your partner no matter what they do.
In a typical relationship (that falls under the statistical majority of failure), one person works hard to please the other, while the other works hard to remain unsatisfied. It creates a toxic dynamic and is quite frankly, bound to fail.
While every relationship is different and every situation is different, there are definitely some similar patterns across the board. There always seems to be one person who feels they “do everything” and the other who feels it’s “never enough.”
So I’d say take the lazy path. Do nothing and accept that your partner is “just enough.”
Having confidence within yourself allows you to have confidence towards your relationship and that’s key to staying together.
You may doubt that you’re “just not good enough” or “don’t deserve to have her.” These are the types of thoughts that become a self fulfilling prophecy.
By telling yourself you don’t deserve someone, you in turn make yourself appear undeserving, as well as unattractive.
Above all, you have to remain attractive to your partner. It’s what got you to start dating in the first place and it’s what’s gonna keep you dating in years to come.
It’s not that they don’t care about them. It’s not that they don’t love them. It’s that they are simply unattracted to them and they don’t respect them (romantically at least).
Unattractive feelings build over time by demonstrating a lack of confidence as well as too much effort. If you show you are insecure or if you show you are a “tryhard” to please them, they’ll lose any and all attraction towards you.
Once attraction is lost, the relationship is pretty much over. Because with the loss of attraction follows the loss of respect, and a person who doesn’t respect you certainly doesn’t want to be with you.
And here’s the thing, if you’re confident in yourself, if you’re lazy enough as well, you’ll never put in too much effort or appear unattractive. After all, laziness is all about minimizing effort and maximizing results and confidence is all about showing yourself some of your own damn respect and that’s sexy as hell.
We make it more of a struggle than it needs to be. Love isn’t a struggle, nor is it a battle. It’s the very opposite of that in fact. Love is bonding; it’s companionship. It builds you up, not tears you down.
Love though is not perfect. If anything, it’s accepting flaws.
But we’ve been told, we’ve been convinced, that love should be perfect; love must be perfect. If you have anything less than perfection, then you aren’t in a loving relationship, is the message we get.
So...you must TRY to be perfect. You must “work it out” between the two of you. You must changewho you are and s/he must change who s/he is.
That’s what we’ve been led to believe. But it couldn’t be further from the truth.
See, love is acceptance and part of acceptance is forgiveness. It’s leaning back and embracing how a person is.
Forgiveness is what keeps people together.
It doesn’t matter how great the two of you get along or how strong the chemistry is, at some point, your partner is going to do something that irritates, annoys, or quite frankly pisses you off. And you’ll probably do the same to them, to be fair.
This is what causes couples to fight. Grievances, irritations, and being unable to express those feelings maturely. It’s holding onto the pain, storing it in a little satchel and never really letting it go, never forgiving the person for the wrong they made. Then letting it out in some passive aggressive comment or something else equally as petty.
People fail to let the past go and instead let each other go. They never forgive each other for their mistakes. What happens is you compile a list of fuck ups that never go away and wind up beating each other up (emotionally) about it.
It doesn’t how much you care about a person if you can’t ever forgive them. Forgiveness is key to any relationship. The sheer amount of shit you’re going to have to forgive is incredible.
If you can’t handle that, then maybe you just aren’t ready for a serious relationship, which is okay, but best to admit that to yourself then to pretend otherwise.
Look, just because you or your partner fucked up doesn’t mean the relationship is fucked up.
Now I’m not saying you tolerate their bullshit to the point where you just let it slide by, unaddressed. Again, we’re getting back to setting boundaries. You have to be clear about what you absolutely will NOT tolerate.
If it’s a dealbreaker, well, then it’s a dealbreaker. But you saved yourself a lot of emotional investment and time on both your parts by setting the boundary nice and early into the relationship.
I mean would you rather lose someone you sorta like and went on a few dates with or lose someone you’ve built a bond and rapport with for years?
In a way, you have to “weed out” people that aren’t a fit for you. A lot of us are afraid to do it. We’re afraid of being alone. So, we put up with shit (that we really don’t want to tolerate) in order to be with someone.
But doing things in this way, we’re not really with the person. They just happen to be there. The only way to truly be with someone is to be truthful
What I am saying is that you see them as human, not the perfect little angel they’re expected to be. And face it, you ain’t no saint either.
Understanding one another and being open to the fact that you or s/he might just fuck up onc ein a while is what makes things last.
If you are the one who fucks up, don’t waste your energy trying to defend it. Come to grips with the fact that what you did was wrong. They can’t and won’t forgive you if you spend all your breath trying to justify it to them.
Sometimes you have to put aside your pride, put away your Ego,
It’s better to be together than to be right.
Of course, that said, there are certain actions that are just unforgivable. Cheating being one of them, for example.
For the most part though, your partner deserves some leeway when it comes to making a mistake or doing the wrong thing. And you deserve some leeway in return.
Neither of you are perfect nor ever will be. Relax. Forgive each other and move on.
Even if they make a similar mistake, remember, just like you, they’re learning and growing. I think that’s what people forget -- is that they are finding a partner to learn and grow with, not exemplify perfection with.
The more you try and the more you buy, the less effective you are
There’s this false notion that in order to win the heart of the one you love, you must shower them with gifts, buying them elaborate jewelry and reservations to fancy restaurants.and what have you.
But that’s all just a marketing ploy to get you to shell out your wallet. You can’t buy love.
All expensive gift-giving does is demonstrate to your partner “I value this gift more than I value myself.”
Be the gift. Don’t buy the gift.
Likewise, we’re told to give lots of compliments to win their affection. That’s a bunch of bull.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t compliment your partner, but I am saying that you should provide a genuine compliment.
What does it mean for a compliment to be genuine?
Well, it means you give the compliment as a gift without any sort of expectation in return.
Sometimes we compliment the person we like or maybe are even in a relationship with, with the sheer intention to get something -- money, food, sex, attention. It’s all about “me”, instead of the other person.
A genuine compliment is one in which you tell the other person something positive with no other intention than to make them feel good.
In this way, you aren’t “trying” to woo them. You’re simply stating the truth. You’re telling them how you feel, without all the glow and shabang.
And that’s the lazy way.
Say a compliment and don’t expect anything in return. See, it’s the expectation of a favor in return that leads to disappointment or pain from rejection.
You have to approach everything positive you do or say in a relationship with the attitude of “this is what I have to give, and I don’t want, need or expect anything in return. I’m already enough. I’m awesome enough on my own.”
Trying to make another person won’t make you happy. And in all fairness, you can’t make them happy anyway.
Happiness and fulfillment are the responsibility of the individual. You must be fulfilled yourself, not seek fulfillment in someone else.
It’s okay to be alone, just not lonely.
It’s believed that the cure to loneliness is finding someone to be with. But there are people IN a relationship that feel lonely, like their partner isn’t really present or maybe they are just addicted to attention.
You have to embrace being alone before you even think about being in a relationship. A relationship is not your one stop shop to solve your own set of insecurities, lack of self esteem, and loneliness.
That’s YOUR responsibility and yours...alone.
Finding “true love” is about finding yourself and being comfortable with yourself, whether you’re with another person or not.
True relationships don’t require lots of “work”
When trouble arises in a relationship, we’re told that you gotta “work it out”.
But problems take care of themselves, again, through acceptance, though forgiveness.
Acceptance is the lazy way of just appreciating the way things are.
Acceptance is the key to love. You must accept yourself, flaws and all, and if you can’t do that, then how can you expect to do that for another person?
It’s not hard work to accept yourself nor to accept someone just the way they are. It doesn’t require negotiating or arguing. There’s no negotiation necessary when you understand one another.
And in order to understand another person, you must first and foremost understand yourself.
When you do, you’ll begin to blur the line between two separate people and become...one. It’s no longer a challenge between two different people with two different sets of beliefs or a clash between two separate Egos.
It’s a uniting force, doing what’s best for “me”. Me is the new “us”. There reaches a point, in love, where there’s no separation at all. To think of yourself is to think of the other and vice versa.
There’s no work involved you’re simply...existing. As one.
It’s a deep level of love that is certainly achievable, but rarely happens because people attempt to achieve it by first finding a partner THEN finding that powerful connection.
You can feel that connection, the love, that binds us all, as human beings, as the universe, without a partner, and it’s only when you do, that it’s actually worth finding one.
Take it easy,