I mean if you’re gonna lie, you might as well do it efficiently. No point in lying if you’re just gonna be caught red handed and have it blow up in your face.
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!
Clean up on aisle three! That’s a big mess to deal with. Burnt tattered breeches. Yuck! Best to avoid making a mess with your lies to begin with so there’s no mess to clean up later. You must be a good bullshitter if you’re really gonna be a bullshitter at all.
I mean earning someone’s trust back after you tell a lie and get caught is like trying to put together a broken plate -- even if you do manage to do it, there’s still gonna be cracks on the surface and the trust can never be fully established again.
Let’s take a look at how to lie and get away with it to save yourself the hassle of trying to earn someone’s trust back.
Okay here we go...ready?
Step one: Don’t lie
Yep, that’s it.
It’s really that simple.
Lying is a lot of work, especially when you’re lazy and trying to minimize the amount of effort you put into things. It’s way better (and not to mention way easier) to be honest from get-go.
Maintaining trust and respect is a far lazier and more efficient path than trying to rebuild it.
It’s easier to just make a fresh bowl of soup then try to pick out the bullshit droppings in a dirty one.
But okay, okay..
Perhaps in learning how to lie efficiently though, you’ll realize just how much harder it is to do more than simply tell the truth as an honest procrastin8r. Bullshitting is a ton of hard work.
Sometimes by doing things the hard way, you’ll appreciate the easy way of doing things (and be more likely to actually do it the easy way). In this case, once you see just how much juggling, planning, and jumping through hoops is involved in telling a *successful* lie, you’ll want to embrace your laziness and just stick to telling the truth instead.
Keep in mind that no matter how quote on quote “good” of a lie you tell, there is never 100% guarantee you won’t get caught telling it. I mean, “good” probably isn’t really a word that should ever be used to describe a lie. No lie is ever good -- let’s be clear. “Convincing” is perhaps a more suitable word.
No matter how convincing your lie is, you still risk breaking the trust of the person you’re telling the lie to, and you really have to ask yourself if it’s worth potentially *losing* that person’s trust for the rest of your life just so they can temporarily believe your lie.
If it’s someone you value and respect and maybe even love and care for, then you definitely want to steer clear of any sort of lies.
Of course, even if it’s someone you don’t respect all that much, telling a lie to *anyone* significantly damages your integrity...and integrity is the one thing ya got!
These tips outlined below on how to lie efficiently only really increase your chances of getting away with a lie and it’s impossible to tell a foolproof lie. I mean, the words coming out of your mouth are either the truth or they’re not. You’re either bullshitting or you're not.
Without further ado, let’s dive right into it.
1.Have some level of truth to it, create verisimilitude
When attempting to tell a successful lie, it helps to include some element of truth to it. This will make it at least a little bit believable, as opposed to just pulling what you say completely out of your ass.
These are known as “half truths”, where you leave out half (or very well a major portion) of the entire truth. What you’re saying may in fact be *somewhat* true. You’re just leaving out certain details or even changing details entirely to fit your narrative.
Say for example you skip work and tell your boss that you’re “sick”
It’s true, you are “sick” -- you’re sick of work! You kind of leave out that whole part though and just tell him you’re sick.
Or maybe your friend asks you to hang out and you tell them you have a paper to write. While it’s true, you do in fact have a paper to write, you actually spend your night playing video games instead of even opening Microsoft word for a single goddamn second.
The preferable method of handling this situation would be to just straight up tell your friend you don’t feel like going out tonight and would rather chill and play video games, instead of building the narrative that you’re a busy productive person.
You can begin to see how embracing your laziness and being an honest person goes hand in hand.
Of course, since we are trying to lie and get away with it, you give them the partial truth. It also helps if said truth is verifiable, like maybe they are in the same class or at least know you’re trying to earn an education.
In other words, don’t fabricate a complete fairytale. Give your story a bit of verisimilitude. Make it believable. Make them think something along the lines of like “oh I guess that could be. That sounds like something s/he’d do.”
Don’t leave full room for doubt where they’re like “Yeah, right.” Keep in mind how well you know the person and how well they know you.
They may be aware of your typical habits and behaviors and will be less likely to believe you performed an action “out of character”. Make sure your lie/story matches your “normal” way of doing things.
You can’t tell them you have to work on a paper if they KNOW that you normally don’t turn your homework in, for example.
Assure the lie you tell is something they would actually believe is something possible you’d do.
Never serve a complete lie and always mix in a bit of truth with it.
People are more likely to believe your bluff if you “admit” to something embarrassing. Rather than tell a story straight story, free of guilt, you add a “juicy gossip bit” that gets people to believe “oh there’s no way he would admit to *that* if this weren’t true”
Guilt (or embarrassment) is an element that adds credibility to your story. Give the impression that you’re saying “I’d hate to admit this but…” and shock them a bit that you would even mention something like *that.*
It again has to be believable and not totally off the wall either. Saying you accidentally tripped and spilled your coffee in the cafe is one thing, but saying you spilled in on a cop and got arrested in another.
Don’t make your tale too tall.
Using the skipping hanging out with friends to play video games but you tell them you’re working on a paper lie example, you could say something along the lines of..”
“I’m totally failing this class and need to turn in the paper if I want a chance at a passing grade.”
Failure -- that’s the key. You’re admitting to some form of failure in your lie so that you give the impression that you’re not making stuff up to look perfect.You’re a vulnerable and imperfect human being.
You give the impression that you admit to your faults and that comes across as honest, even if the faults you’re admitting to aren’t even true.
One of the most effective lies/excuses, using the guilt tactic, is…ready for this?
I shit my pants!
It’s a perfect, nearly flawless and unquestionable excuse. I mean really, who’s gonna want the details?
It can be used if you’re running late or to get out of something in the first place.
Of course, it’s not one that you can use too frequently, unless you want the rep as the pants shitter.
And that’ll probably require you to spend more time in the bathroom “pretending” to have an explosive shit session than you’ll ever want to, in order to make your lie look real/believable.
People will just think “Oh jeez. That’s so embarrassing” and let it go with no further questions.
An effective lie is not about making you look perfect and cool, but to actually make you look imperfect and uncool -- in a way that *distracts* people from what you’re really uncool and imperfect about.
Maybe you forgot about a friends birthday party, but you don’t want them thinking you’re an uncaring, forgetful friend. So you tell them you either shit your pants or “wanted to come but was too hung over”.
That way you just seem like a dumb drunk friend, instead of a selfish one. You see, you’re still embarrassing yourself, just not about what you *should be* embarrassed for.
Of course, it’s much easier just to own your shit instead of making shit up (literally).
3. Don’t include other people
Whenever you tell, make sure it’s just you that was there and maybe a group of *strangers*. Don’t include people you actually know personally (especially if they are a mutual friend to the person you are lying to)
Look, if you include people(namely mutual friends) in your story, now you’re including witnesses. Uh oh bozzo!
It’s very easy for the person to simply ask the other people you mentioned in your story about what happened and BOOM! There ya go, genius. Caught.
These “witnesses” are going to tell a story that doesn’t quite match yours and you’re S.O.L. I mean unless you go around asking people to lie for you to keep your story straight.
This isn’t the best idea because either they’re gonna either
1. Call you out on your bullshit and insist that you be honest
2. Agree but wonder who else you try to get to lie for you and whether they should ever trust you
Either way, you’re gonna break the trust with this person and it’s simply not worth it.
And I mean c’mon -- The amount of set up here is ridiculous. Now you’re getting *other people* to lie for you to verify your lie. That’s a whole lot of coordination. Plus, they might not even remember the story (lie) details correctly and you leave yourself open to contradictions.
Any contradiction between what you tell and what your friend tells will lead to your lie coming to surface.
If you must include a person in your fabricated story to make it more believable or whatever, then make sure it’s someone the person you’re lying to doesn’t actually know.
4. Make it simple
Ah, simplicity, the way of a true procrastin8r. (Of course a true procrastin8r doesn’t lie at all in the first place but I digress)
The more detailed, elaborate, and in-depth your lie is, the more open loops you create. The more open loops you create, the more you increase your chances of getting caught in your lie.
So keep it simple.
Of course, you should probably write down or memorize extra details “just in case” your questioned or doubted, but in your initial telling of the lie, you want to keep it short, sweet, simple, and to the point.
Don’t beat around the bush and try to “back up” your claim with unnecessary (fabricated) facts. It’ll come across like you’re just trying to justify your words (which you are) and put a red flag on your head as a LIAR.
Just tell the lie and don’t make this big deal about it, like ya gotta provide a long list of evidence to confirm the “truth” of it. Honest people don’t provide long-winded explanations...and neither do effective liars.
Getting back to the hang out lie...
“Well I’d love to come, but I have this paper to write, and it’s due tomorrow. I put it off because my dog’s been sick. I had to take her to the vet and the vet bill was expensive, so I had to take up extra time at work and..”
Stop. Just stop.
Too many excuses and it just sounds like you’re trying to slime your way out of things. It doesn’t take an expert psychologist to be like “Okay, this guy’s just trying to weasel his way out of this.”
The only exception to this rule is if you’re the type of guy or gal to include intricate details in your story. In that case, you can go about including a bit of
Basically tell a story how you normally would. Deviating from your typical storytelling approach will raise suspicion and likely lead to you getting caught in the lie.
If you’re going to lie, you should at least have drive and purpose to do so. Your lie should help you attain a specific goal and you shouldn’t just haphazardly pull it out of your ass for shits and giggles.
In other words, don’t bullshit just to bullshit.
There should be some sort of *benefit* you wish to achieve in telling your lie.
Take aim when you fling bullshit.
Have an actual target in mind. Where do you want your lie to lead you?
Lying isn’t something you do for fun. It’s something you do for strategic purpose. I mean, assuming you’re going to lie anyway, which, just to mention again, you *shouldn’t* actually do.
Otherwise, you take all of the risk of lying (breach of trust, damage to integrity, possibility of ending a relationship) without any sort of reward...sort of like those casino apps where you can win virtual currency by depositing real money with your credit card.
It makes zero sense, unless you’re a (gambling/lying) addict and need your fix. Fixing compulsive lying is beyond the scope of this specific article, but basically you should *be aware* of when you lie.
You should feel at least a wee bit of guilt whenever you tell a lie. If you lack that sense of guilt or don’t even notice you are telling a lie at all, Houson, we have a problem.
If you want to lie efficiently then you have to know and be aware of when you are lying. Otherwise, you’ll probably get caught in some stupid ass lie that you weren’t even meaning to tell.
You could face real consequences of telling a lie, so make sure said lie can bring (potential) real value when you tell it.
Lie with intention and purpose, otherwise you’ll start telling “secondhand” lies and do it without thinking. That’s no bueno.
You want to use shitting your pants as an excuse and not actually shit your pants, if you catch my drift.
Many bullshitters make the amateur mistake of memorizing their story in a certain sequential order of events.
But not you. You’re a PRO Bullshitter.
You know your (fabricated) story in and out. You can tell it forwards, backwards, upside down, on the ceiling, on the floor, wherever.
As a matter of fact, as we covered last week in How to Spot a Bullshitter, one good way to do so is to have them recite the story backwards. If they’re lying, they’ll usually fumble over their words or hesitate.
Now since you want to lie efficiently, you’re gonna avoid the fumble or hesitation by memorizing not just the story, but the *details* within it.
Know every detail of your lie -- that way you can “stick to the story” from any starting point and not just beginning to end.
Activate your trap card and pull the good ole switcheroo.
They ask you a question then you, like any bloodsucking lying politician follow it up with another question.
You put them on the defensive. You become the inquisitor and gain all the power!
Oh sweet baby Jesus the tables have turned!
Now they have the pain of guilt or embarrassment to deal with.
You can say something along the lines of “Oh come on, you wouldn’t think that I’d actually ___, would you?”
They’ll think to themselves: Well I don’t want him to think I think he’s dumb, so of course not!
Granted, they may just call you on your bluff and realize you’re just trying to throw a confetti grenade (distraction), but more likely, they’ll feel threatened by your own accusations and feel bad about accusing you of anything in the first place.
This tactic should be used very, very sparingly, however, as too much “throwing back” a question can raise some eyebrows.
It’ll just seem like you’re trying too hard to avoid giving a direct answer if you retaliate a question with another question too often and you’ll be a caught bullshitter in no time.
To be fair, if the person is already at the point where they’re asking accusatory questions or questions full of doubt, your success rate at bullshitting is already slipping, which leads us to the next point...
8. Believe the Lie (or at least have Confidence in it)
If you actually believe your own lie, it’ll come across in the way you present it and make it seem more true. (But enjoying the taste of your own bullshit is kinda gross)
Just make sure you are aware of the fact that it *is* still a lie so you again don’t develop bullshitting as a secondhand habit.
The key is you must remain cool, calm, and collected during the delivery of your lie.
Don’t look nervous. Don’t fidget around. Don’t change the pace of your talking or blinking. Give a genuine smile by raising your cheeks.
Relax and tell it in a “matter of fact” voice. It’s not something you’re trying to convince someone is true, because “it is” true, or at least it’s true in your head.
You have to have so much confidence in your lie that you can tell it *as if it were* the truth.
Tell your lie with conviction.
President Trump is a master at this. He pulls out such bullshit but ya know what and you know why people still believe him to this day?
Because he tells it with conviction.
Put authority in your words and people will respect you for it. Well, actually a bullshitter never really earns any sort of respect, just a false sense of comfort.
By authority I mean you must say the words firmly but still calmly. You don’t want to come across as forceful or demanding.
Be laid back and lie.
Of course this is all an act because you know in your heart that what you’re saying is not true.
Hopefully now that you’ve learned how to bullshit properly, you’ve come to notice the amount of preparation, memorization, creativity and stage performance skills that are necessary to practice.
And yes, practice, because they are all skills you need to actually train and get better at. Becoming a good bullshitter doesn’t happen over night and you actually need to practice a set of skills to master.
That’s a lot of work, man! That’s a lot of….bullshit!
The alternative is to just tell the truth and that’s much easier than jumping through all these hoops.
Of course, knowing how to be a good bullshitter can definitely help you spot those with a high level of bullshittery and allow you to cut those people out of your life.
Cut the bullshit and continue living a lazy and honest life..
Take it easy,