Arguing accomplishes absolutely nothing and leaves the both of you involved absolutely drained, complete with a headache and pain in your neck. That’s not minimizing effort and maximizing results at all. That’s NOT lazy. That’s giving you shit results for a whole lotta effort, man.
You gotta take it easy in life and never argue with anyone. You gotta keep it cool and calm. Be lazy when it comes to disagreements.
Of course, conflict is inevitable. I mean, face it, people aren’t always going to agree with you or go along with what you say. Whether it’s a roommate, significant other, family member, friend, or neighbor, there is going to be somebody (or maybe even sombodies) who don’t quite see eye to eye with you over one thing or another.
We’re talking about different people here. Different people with different backgrounds and different sets of beliefs. These differences inevitably bring about conflict.
Everybody is just a Dude with an opinion, man. We all have different likes, wants, needs, and thoughts. But just because someone’s worldview is completely different than yours, doesn’t mean you have to escalate it into an argument.
I mean, certainly, there is going to be conflict the moment you even think to yourself “I don’t agree with that,” but there’s a fine line between conflict and drama.
See, conflict is simply recognizing the fact that a difference of opinion exists; while drama is intensifying that difference to the point where there’s animosity and a hostile environment.
Naturally, the lazy man’s life is a drama free zone, because the lazy man lives in an environment of peace and relaxation. After all, there shouldn’t be much, if anything, that can “shake him out of bed”, so to speak or get him “worked up.” Getting worked up is nothing but extra work and work is the very opposite of being lazy.
There is a way to address conflict without turning it into drama. There is a way to discuss issues, without it leading to an argument. And these are things you must know how to do if you truly want to embrace your laziness.
So today, we’re going to take a look at what exactly an argument is and how to avoid getting into one, so you can continue to [remain cool, calm, and laid back at all times.]. And without further ado, let’s dive….right into it!
Arguments bring tension
The first telltale sign that you’re in an argument and not a normal conversation is the feeling of tenseness.
No longer is the dialogue geared towards a laid back banter between two people, instead it becomes a shouting battle between two warring generals on opposing armies. And that’s really what it seems like.
I mean the person in front of you, in that moment, during an argument, is no longer your significant other, friend, or even slight acquaintance. No. They are no longer someone you associate with in any sort of mutual territory.
The person you’re talking to becomes your opponent, and you become theirs. Two opponents with one goal in mind and one goal only -- to defeat the opposition at whatever the cost.
See, an argument takes away compassion. It eliminates rapport. It destroys the goal of finding some sort of compatibility or cooperation between the two of you and replaces it with the goal of defeating the other person.
So yeah, it gets pretty tense. It turns what could be a serious conversation into an all out brawl to get one person to say “Okay, I admit, I’m wrong.” You can almost begin to hear the boss battle music begin playing in the background
Cool It. Loosen Up.
Look man, there’s no need to fight. Despite whatever sort of disagreement is boiling up between you two, simmer it down a tad. It’s important to recognize this “tense” feeling though, so you are aware of that in which you should avoid.
Recognize when the conversation sort of shifts gears and becomes tense that way you can slow down or slam the breaks before running into overdrive.
Rather than escalating that tension and pulling it tighter though, loosen up a bit. Physically, lean back and relax your muscles. Unclench your jaw (and fists!)
You have to remember, that person standing in front of you is NOT your opponent. Exit the mindset of “me versus them” and enter one of “us versus the issue.”
Tackle issues *together* in a co-op mission. The minute you make the discussion some sort of competition to “win”, is the minute that discussion evolves into an argument. And the minute it becomes an argument, well that’s the minute you begin to value being right over being together in the relationship
And when say relationship, I’m referring to any type of relationship -- romantic, platonic, or otherwise. Fact of the matter is, you can’t build a strong healthy relationship (of any kind) by arguing your way through it.
Hey, listen being right isn’t everything. Companionship and rapport are better attributes to seek after than a temporary victory of proving to another person that you’re right *once and for all*.
It Gets Personal
Another clear sign that you’ve gotten yourself caught up in an argument is when the initial issue or debate is no longer the focal point of the discussion. Instead, there’s off-topic criticisms or insults that come into play.
You forgot to do the dishes and suddenly it’s brought up that you smoke too many cigarettes.
And of course you or the person you’re arguing with will attempt to justify how whatever off the wall criticism they bring up is absolutely and completely relevant to the topic at hand.
“Well if you didn’t smoke so much, you’d have time to remember to do the dishes.”
As if! C’mon now, now they’re just trying to rile you up just to rile you up. They’re looking for some sort of reaction.
Because here’s the thing folks, arguments is NOT about a test of wits. No, this isn’t a debate club competition. This is just a war. It’s not moderated. There are no rules.
Arguments are about a battle of emotions. It’s stabbing each other in the heart, until one calls it quits. And even then the quote on quote “winner” might continue to harass and bash the “loser”. (This is essentially what those emotional abusive relationships look like, where the one person just won’t “let it go” and will continue to pummel and berate the person about the argument.)
Lashing out, trying to hurt each other, saying things you *know* will trigger each other (emotionally), just to get a reaction. Your significant other might throw a rude comment about how you’re probably so forgetful because of when the bully used to shove your head in lockers and it fucked up your brain, knowing damn well that getting bullied is something triggering for you. Then you’ll throw something back about her daddy issues or some shit.
Arguments quickly become a fight over “who can push the most buttons”. It’s less of a collaborative design to accomplish a solution to the issue at hand and more of a brutal brawl to get the other person to collapse.
The person wants you to “lose it”. They want you to get riled up. And what is this “it” you lose?
Your cool. Your calmness. Your Dudeyness if you will.
So when someone throws a personal attack at you, take a step back and see what is happening. They’re inviting you into a battle royale of emotions, which, as a lazy person, you ain’t interested in participating in.
You can even call them out on it and be like “Do we want to talk about this maturely or just throw insults at each other?” that way you imply that what they’re doing is immature and also you would be willing to discuss it, just not in a schoolyard sort of way.
You have to be aware of not just *what* you’re saying, but *how* you say it. The tone, cadence, and enunciation says a lot more about what you mean than the actual words coming out of your mouth.
Speaking your opinion without an argumentative tone is something I struggled with, personally, for years, and quite frankly at this point, have still yet to master, so I understand if this is something you don’t get right away. Oftentimes my passion was mistaken as agitation and people would get defensive. Like, I wasn’t *trying* to argue or make a fuss out of things, but people would take it that way.
Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that it’s important to be able to learn how to state the way you think or feel about something, without coming across as overly demanding or hostile. You want to aim to be less harsh and more wholesome.
State your controversial opinion, idea, or feelings, in a “as a matter of factly” sort of way, as if you’re talking about something simple like the weather, not this really big issue you hold passionate beliefs about.
Of course, if you slip up, which, you’re human, it happens, then an easy way to recognize that your tone came off a bit too harsh is if the other person gets defensive, like really fired up and aggravated.
If all the sudden they’re heating things up after you stated an opinion of some sort, either you said something “triggering” to them or you said something in a way that came across a bit sharp.
Now of course, you shouldn’t take responsibility for someone else’s emotions nor change your opinion or agree with them just to people please and make make them happy, but what you can do is use a little *tact* in your approach.
Tact is Key to Approaching Issues
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip” as quote by Winston Churchill goes.
You can say rude things without being brash. You can be mean without being punishing. You can address a conflict without turning it into an argument.
Tact is all you need. This goes hand in hand with using the right tone, because using the right set of words can get your message across without being a complete douche bag just like saying it in the right tone can communicate that you’re being friendly and aren’t looking for a fight.
Be firm in what you say, without being overly aggressive. In the same vein, be thoughtful with your words, without being overly polite.
I mean, you don’t want to be so nice to them to the point where they can just walk all over you and you take it, but at the same time, you don’t want to just be a flat out dick either.
Whenever you disagree or need to address a serious issue, add a little tact. It’s the secret ingredient to a wonderful friendship cake.
Speaking LOUDER doesn’t make your words any more convincing
Now speaking of tone and tact in your speech, it’s important to note that the volume of your voice does not equate to the legitimacy of your argument. In other words, just because you’re shouting or otherwise raising your tone, doesn’t mean that what you’re saying is any more right than if you whispered it (or just spoke in a normal conversation volume for that matter).
Point is, there are plenty of ways to get your point across without resorting to banshee tactics, like I just did there. I didn’t ALL CAPS SCREAM AT YOU. But you got the point in what I’m trying to say.
Likewise, yelling at your partner or friend won’t make the point you’re trying to make any more valid. Raising volume levels. All it does is raise the drama levels. And like we covered earlier, drama is a no go.
I mean c’mon the extra strain on your vocal chords, the larger breaths you gotta take to compensate for your louder voice, all more effort than necessary when you can get the same point across with a lot less *tension* in both your vocal system and in the room.
Ah, impatience, the opposite of what being a procrastin8r is all about. For patience is at the heart of procrastination.
Think about it, an argument is two people who are impatiently trying to prove the other person utterly wrong, instead of taking it slow n’ steady to find a negotiation and middle ground somewhere
“You’re gonna admit your wrong NOW!” is the premise behind arguments, typically. No waiting to find a solution. No procrastinating. Just prove the other person on *immediately*, right then and there.
Every single argument (or very well nearly every single one) is instigated by some form of impatience by one or both parties involved.
Rather than taking the slow n’ steady time to find some common ground, people can be so quick to slam each other and dish it out.
They’re so addicted to being right that they need their fix ASAP! But getting your fix does not *fix* the situation at hand.
Let go of your need to be right. It’s some sort of reliance you have that serves neither of you any good.
At that, refusing to be right, doesn’t mean you necessarily have to throw up the white flag and admit you’re wrong either. It simply means you make the goal to collaborate with the other person and build a stronger relationship.friendship, rather than compete over who has a better opinion.
Unless you’re an archaeologist, then you have absolutely no reason to dig up old shit. More often than not in the state of an argument, one of you (or both of you for that matter) will dust off the old archives of times there was a fuck up.
The past should stay in the past. Live in the moment; be present. Move on from what happened and focus on what’s *happening*.
Don’t relate the current set of circumstances to what happened before. Don’t give an old throwback to “that time they did something wrong.” There’s no sense in keeping track of past mistakes.
Sure, maybe something they did is similar to what they did now, but harping on it and really forcing them to feel guilty about it is just loads of insecure and immature. Most likely, it’s not even *that* similar. It just made you *feel* similar.
You’re relating how what they did now made you feel to what they did in the past made you feel and draw the conclusion that there’s some sort of pattern or behavior. And even if there legitimately is, and this supposed pattern goes beyond just your inner fee fees, then you should have made it a deal breaker initially, not the fourth or fifth time after it happened, or at least give them a warning like “one more strike and you’re out.”
Make it clear up front the type of things you cannot and will not tolerate and decide whether or not you’re willing to give them leeway to grow or if what they did is a candid deal breaker.
If you are willing to give them room to grow, then you can’t bring up how they fucked up in the past ever again, because doing so would communicate that you do NOT in fact want to give them room to grow.
Change doesn’t happen immediately and if you’re unwilling or unable to be *patient* and let that change happen *slowly* over time, you need to be honest with yourself and the other person.
Honesty can honestly save a lot of hassle in relations with others. It can prevent arguments if you’re just honest about what you want and expect of other people.
Learn to forgive the fuck ups. Yours included. What’s done is done and there’s no going back.
Holding onto the past like it’s some sort of “trump card” to play whenever they fuck up again is hog wash, man. Just let it go.
Don’t beat around the bush or dance around. Get straight to the point. It’s less work to do so. No sense sporadically throwing criticisms in random directions. Like...
Are you really *that* upset that your boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t wear that sweater you gave them to the holiday party? Is it really *that* big of a deal that your roommate didn’t do the dishes?
You have to look at: what’s *really* upsetting you. Get down to the fundamental reason you’re in turmoil.
Don’t just make a scapegoat out of something trivial or make it out like you’re super mad about this very minor thing.
I just mentioned how honesty can prevent arguments because if you’re honest, well then there aren’t any surprises, to say the least. Expectations are made clear.
Lying is the one thing you should never procrastinate on. You’re lying to yourself and the other person if you decide to make a huge fuss out of a total non-issue.
If the toast is burnt, don’t complain that there’s too much butter. Just say the toast is burnt. Look at the essential reason there appears to be an issue, not any distractions.
Don’t give the silent treatment
Don’t you love it? You’re trying to talk to someone about an issue, even calmly at that, and they’re just ignoring you, not speaking to you, no matter what you say.
Now, it’s understandable if you don’t want to talk about the issue *right now*. It could be the fact that they’re yelling and screaming and being aggressive and you don’t want drama, or it could be that you just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with it right now.
Either way, you wanna *tell them* that you need some space. Tell them you’ll be willing to talk about it *later*. Just say “Let me think about this.”
Don’t just walk away and start ignoring them, pouting like a little child. Procrastinate and put off having a serious discussion ‘til later, when you’re both in a calm state of mind, but make it clear you want to do so. Don’t leave ‘em hanging without a single word.
Listening is one of the laziest, yet most effective communication skills you can have. I mean all you do is lean back and hear what they gotta say.
A lot of arguments come from miscommunication and a lot of miscommunication comes from NOT listening.
Rather than trying to talk over one another or attempting to prove your point “once and for all”...listen. Just. Listen.
Hear them out. Let them tell their side of the story. Allow them to say their piece. Give them a chance to air their own point of view. Don’t be so hard pressed to be understood yourself. Instead take the time to understand them and where they’re coming from.
Any type of human interaction is bound to cause *some* sort of conflict at some point, but don’t let it stress you out. Just relax, man. Take it easy.
Remember, frustrations don’t need to stir a fight. There’s a way to express those frustrations and concerns without resorting to a loud shouting match or violence.
A good way to deflect an argument and keep a relaxed environment is to say something along the lines of:
“Look, I’m not trying to argue here. We can discuss this. But we’re not going to argue.”
Again, you’re being up front and honest about how you expect issues to be handled. You can further go on to say “I’m willing to get to the bottom of this and figure out a solution here, but we both need to be relaxed and mature about it.”
Saying “we” and “both” is important because it takes away the separation of “you” and “me”
“I want to discuss this! You’re not going to argue with me!” comes across a lot more aggressive and are fighting words.
By using words like “we”, “both”, and “us” you are making the discussion a collaborative event and not some sort of warped competition to best each other.
And that’s the ultimate goal here -- collaboration, uniting together. The only way to world peace is to accomplish peace on an individual level, so do your part and stop freaking arguing with people, damnit!
If you're relaxed about things, then other people will relax around you.
Take it easy,