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There’s this faulty notion in society that “you should NEVER ever procrastinate.” All this “Work hard” mantra infected in our brains feeds us the idea that if you procrastinate, you’re a worthless bag of shit, as if successful people don’t ever, ever procrastinate. Ever.
Spoiler alert: Successful people do procrastinate. And they do it all the time. Every day in fact. That’s the secret nobody is talking about. Procrastination is a secret ingredient to success. You read that right. You, fellow procrastinator, have one of the quintessential skills necessary to obtain the success you desire, yet have been led to believe that you’re “too lazy” to actually make it. Ya know, we’re told that putting off things is never a good idea and you should just get up and DO IT NOW! We’re told to stop holding off. Don’t hesitate. Act now. Quit your dilly dallying! All these messages of “just do it” all to keep us in line as hardworking corporate slaves. Well, it’s time for a truth bomb. Get ready for it… Procrastination is not necessarily a bad thing and is actually a key part in the equation of effective time management. If you procrastinate effectively, you manage your time effectively. It’s that simple. Time management is not about putting the right things in your schedule, it’s about taking out (and procrastinating) the wrong things. Time management comes down to knowing when to procrastinate and what for, not avoiding it entirely. It’s not a question of IF you are going to procrastinate or not. You’re going to no matter what. It’s a matter of what are you going to procrastinate on. You choose. You procrastinate with purpose. And that my friend doesn’t make you a worthless bag of shit at all. That makes you a PRO...crastinator. When you deliberately procrastinate for a reason, there’s no need to be ashamed about it. Be proud of your decision to procrastinate on one thing (and do another). You must lean on back, rationalize, think, and put off what needs to be put off. So what needs to be put off? Well, that’s completely up to you. After all, laziness is all about doing what you want, when you want. I’m not here to tell you anything you “should” do. I wouldn’t make you should yourself. As long as you are aware of the decision you are making, what you are choosing to procrastinate on, then you are living a life of choice and freedom, rather than of obligation. That’s what you want to achieve. Thinking to yourself: “I wish I would’ve (blank) instead of (blank.)” is not true procrastination. That shows you’re allowing your emotions to control your decision-making process. It shows you’re acting on impulse. Remove the guilt you feel about choosing to procrastinate your homework or whatever important project you have over choosing to procrastinate laying on on the couch playing video games instead. Make the conscious choice. Procrastinate with purpose. And don’t whine about your decision either. Lay out the pros and cons of what spending your time on a specific task has versus another, then make your choice accordingly. Impulse is quick and reactionary. It’s not lazy at all. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s part of that “just do it” mantra. Even if you do decide to lay on the couch right away -- that’s the thing -- you went and “just did it” right away instead of being slow and deliberate, like a sloth. Giving into your impulsive brain to do (or not do) something immediately is not the lazy way at all, even if the task is inherently quote on quote “lazy”, like binge-watching Netflix. The true lazy way is to take your slow ass time before jumping into a task and to do it with purpose. You must take the slow n’ steady decision-making process. Ease on back. Otherwise, you “jump in” to doing something you don’t actually want to do and that’s where the guilt comes in. You know you want something but let impulse drive you into doing the complete opposite. For example, you want to create your own website, but just somehow “wind up” scrolling through Instagram for hours instead. That’s where you went wrong. I mean, to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with choosing to Instagram scroll for hours. In fact, there’s something amendable about making a decision and not giving a fuck about the consequences. That shows balls. There is something wrong with letting your inner-child take control and acting impulsively on whatever those wishes are. By doing something other than your original choice (in this case, to create a website), it’s not that you are being lazy, it’s that you’re being immature and quite frankly, stupid. It’s okay to not always be productive, and do the lazy thing; t’s not okay to always let thoughts “on a whim” have the final say in what you do or don’t do. Ironically, you’re not procrastinating if you thought about how you should be cleaning your room the entire time you were watching movies, as another example. That shows you have absolutely no control over your laziness and instead it’s in control of you. With great laziness, comes great responsibility. Being lazy does not make you irresponsible. Being reckless does. If you truly embrace your laziness, and learn to control it (control it, not eliminate it), you’re not about to go berserk binge-watching but to purposely procrastinate. Doing something you didn’t intend to do is reckless, not lazy. Think of a sloth. It moves slowly and deliberately, not quick and sporadic. Every muscle movement is in control. Every branch it grabs is done with purpose. Every leaf it eats is chosen consciously. That’s what you want to achieve on a mental level - the ability to procrastinate and mean it. See, on the other hand, there is what I like to call ”Impulsive Idleness”. This is where you remain unproductive without even thinking about it, on impulse. You do things sporadically, on a whim, just like that “go-getter” you never want to be. You act on that terrible recklessness we talked about. You’re Idle but lack any sort of direction or purpose in doing so. You lack any sort of calm stoic thoughtfulness and instead just rush into an unplanned action (or inaction for that matter). Being able to consciously, deliberately, make (lazy) decisions, like a sloth climbing a tree, instead of impulsively “wind up” sitting around, is what separates the “crastinators” from the Pros. You always have to Procrastinate something. It’s not a matter of avoiding Procrastination all together, (that would literally be impossible) but deciding what to procrastinate on and what not to, as well as when to do it. See, even if you choose to do something productive, like say, writing a blog for your website, you’re still putting off doing the dishes or cleaning your room or the dozens of the other tasks on your to do list, or you’re even putting off leisure time and the necessary mental break you need to avoid burn out. You put one thing off so that you can do another. That’s how it works. By saying “I’ll do it later” to one thing, you’re saying “I’ll do it now” to another. You must consolidate and focus on the things that are important. Eliminate most of your to do list. Procrastinate most things and do the things that really matter, in order to level up and win achievements. You decide what matters. You construct the life you want to live. You...create your own character in this game called “real life”. The things you choose to spend your time on first and the ones you put off til later determine your IRL class. No matter what, no matter how productive of a person you are, there’s always something you’re procrastinating. Always. Unless you have a Time-Turner, you can’t possibly do everything on your to do list simultaneously. You’re going to have to pick what you’re going to procrastinate and put off ‘til later. You can’t live a life without procrastinating at all. Instead, you choose what to procrastinate on. You are constantly making that decision. Constantly. Every single moment of every single day you are procrastinating something. When someone tells you to “stop procrastinating”, what they are really telling you is to “procrastinate the right things”. They’re telling you that you’re procrastinating the wrong things, the things that lead nowhere. Tell them to shove it. And while to some extent, they have a point. That’s not what we’re focused right now. We’ll get there though...eventually. I mean, the goal is to eventually choose the right things, to choose the productive path, to choose things that level you up...and that’s more easily achieved if you put yourself in the habit of Purposefully Procrastinating. Say to yourself: I am choosing to procrastinate my work project so that I can catch up on my Netflix series, rather than just “wind up” doing that anyway. Winding up doing something you never really intended to do, on the other hand, is complete recklessness and stupidity. It’s Impulsive Idleness. Make a choice and stick to it. Procrastinate Purposefully. Don’t allow your inner-child to throw temper tantrums and make you do otherwise. If you want to do the lazy thing, realize what else you’re putting off and accept the consequences gracefully. Remain poised, unfazed. Remember no matter how you swing it, you are putting off something in order to do something else. Every single thing you procrastinate has consequences for not doing right now. Likewise, every single thing you do right now has consequences for not procrastinating ‘til later. If you want to sit on the couch all day, don’t complain or beat yourself about it. Be mature about it. Be slothful about it. It’s what you spend your time “not doing” that counts. Procrastination is key to building productivity, contrary to popular belief. Take it easy, N8
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Being lazy is about eliminating work and stress as much as possible. It’s about minimizing effort and maximizing results. It’s about being efficient, using very little effort. Being lazy means “takin’ it easy” in all aspects in life and that includes your “people skills.”
As a matter of fact, knowing how to effectively manage your relationships with other people can help boost your own leisure. After all, a great way to avoid work is to have other people do it for you. Plus, if you approach it the right way, the lazy way, you’ll be able to develop meaningful connections with others, without hardly even trying or getting stressed out or causing drama, for that matter. Sounds good right? I mean imagine being able to get what you want out of a relationship or friendship without feeling like you gotta jump through hoops or fight to accomplish it. That would be...pure conquest! Well today, we’re going to cover some practical tips on how to manage your relationships (romantic, platonic, business, or otherwise) in the most lazy and easy fashion possible. We’re going to take the “hard work” out of dealing with other people and transform all the “shaky waters” into smooth sailing. By the end of this article, you’ll be on your way to becoming a charming lazy bastard who knows how to develop rapport and handle conflict with ease -- at least that’s the goal. Earlier in the blog we covered How to be Socially Aware When You’re Socially Awkward, and now we’re gonna step it up a bit and turn that “awareness” into actual “influence”. The amount of influence you have over someone comes down to your ability to handle the emotions present within the relationship, both yours and the other person’s (and perhaps even shared emotions). In other words, relationship management is about emotional management. When you manage the emotions within the relationship efficiently, you, in turn, manage the relationship itself efficiently. Failure to get a grip on emotions, especially your own, leads to failure in the relationship. So really, building a strong relationship (of whatever kind) is not so much about “getting along” with each other, but more about understanding your own emotions and allowing the other person to, also, feel understood. Once you have that pat down, it’s a piece of cake. No more bickering or fighting to try and tolerate each other and instead, actually shaping something meaningful and productive. Basically, you want to learn where to place your energy, so you aren’t wearing each other thin. A procrastin8r NEVER wastes energy, so learn where to put your energy. After all, relationships should build you up, not tear you down. We’re gonna dive into some practical steps to manage your (emotions in your) relationships and create better influence with others towards a common goal, all while maintaining our laziness. Request. Don’t Demand. If you want people to follow your lead, have them follow, don’t push them where you want them to go. One thing to keep in mind is that no one likes being told what to do, not without good reason. People are rebellious at heart and hate someone giving them overbearing commands. They want to be treated like...a person, and not some sort of work horse. Besides, being a boisterous boss belligerent shouting demands makes you just like that jerk of a boss at your 9 to 5 job you’re trying to get out of. When it comes to asking people to do what you want, be polite and firm and always answer the “WIIFM” What’s a WIIFM? Well, it’s short for “What’s In It For Me”. People only care about the benefits they themselves get out of doing something. We’re sort of selfish by nature like that. Anyway, give them a good goddamn reason to do what you want. You don’t necessarily have to tell them directly that “it’s a great opportunity”. That will in fact have the opposite effect and make it seem you’re trying to sell them on something. You do want to imply that whatever it is would grant them some sort of advantage or benefit, imply that it’s a great opportunity for them. You could use the phrase “you could.” Like “You could have a good time with an awesome guy” or “You could put this on your resume”. Ya know, basically say “this is a great opportunity” without actually saying it. You basically want it to be their own idea. You want to feel like they actually made the choice to participate. They volunteered. They wanted it to happen. Speaking of choice. You also want to give them a choice, or at the very least the illusion of choice. People have free will and like to enable their own free will, or feel like they can. “We’re going to eat pizza.” is too stubborn and demanding. Instead use the phrase “if you want” and give them some sort of “choice” to make. “If you want, we can go get pizza or tacos” See what I did there? Those are two things you want, but you’re offering it as a “choice” to make. You get the idea. The secret is, you’re making the decision, but letting them think they have some sort of influence. They don’t. But ya know, you don’t have to tell them that. Care “just enough” If you care too much, you bend over backwards to try and “make things right” and do whatever to please them, but if you don’t care enough, you make them feel used. Balance is key. Don’t care too little and don’t care too much. The effort you put into a relationship should match the other person’s, no more, no less. You shouldn’t be bending over backwards to make the other person smile, nor should the other person do that for you. Neither of you should put the other on a pedestal and treat them with divine worship. Treat each other on an equal level of respect. Now that doesn’t mean you keep track of “oh you did this” and “I did that”. That would be painstakingly tedious and difficult. Plus, rubbing in the other person’s face whenever you did something is annoying and not to mention, really insecure. Don’t make your relationships a sort of “exchange” of favors. Trading is left for the stock market, not relationships. You should be willing to give, without expectation. But in the same vein, don’t offer too much, to the point where you’re juggling fire to make them happy. Self Awareness is key because you know the strengths (and gifts) you have to offer and don’t have to try hard to offer something you don’t naturally give. Be open (willing to share about yourself) Early in our childhood, at some point, we get this toxic idea that being vulnerable leads to pain. It’s the first time we’re called weird or made fun of or flat out bullied just for being...different. At a young age, we begin to associate being our true selves with being rejected and we tend to try and hide it. We put on masks and identify with certain roles: “the jock”, “the geek”, “the stoner”, in order to fit in with everyone else, and feel worthy and a part of something. For years, I adapted the role of being a “good Christian”. I acted the way I thought a good Christian would act. I would go to Mass each week. I would read the Bible.I even played Jesus in “the Stations of the Cross”, aka “The Easter Story” Later did I realize just how limiting living life to fulfill a certain role can be. There were lies I told myself, lies I told others, all just to maintain a certain image. I pretended like sex before marriage was something evil. I pretended like anyone who didn’t believe in God, no matter how moral they were, deserved to burn in hell. I would close off and shut out a lot of what I thought was my own “badness”, denying my true self. Now, an atheist, I’m free to express myself and am no longer held back by limiting, and frankly self-righteous, beliefs. The thing is, the world is a giant jigsaw puzzle and we’re all a unique piece. We’re trying to “fit in” by being the same piece as everybody else, but really, the only way to “create the final picture” is to each be our own unique one. Plus, playing a life-long game of charade is a lot of work, man. Be honest and don’t hold back. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s cool. That’s whatever. Stop giving a fuck about what other people think and just be open about who you actually are. The people that like you, the people that stick around, are the ones that actually...like YOU, and not some role you’re trying to live up to or pretend to be. Be curious (find their story) Since every person is a unique puzzle piece, you want to find the “edges” of a person. After all, you can’t really influence anyone if you don’t understand who the fuck they actually are. I went to college for broadcasting, and in the few journalism classes I managed not to sleep through, one of the takeaways I got was to ask the question:“What’s the story?” in every situation. Every single person you meet has their own story, just like you. Uncover the truth of who they are and how they got to where they are. Understand (The big U in C.O.U.C.H) the events that lead them to become the person they are today. Be genuinely curious to find out their story. Ask questions. Deep dive. This will create a bond between the two of you and allow you to see things from their perspective, like why they react the way they do, what makes them tick. You can then cater your requests you ask of them towards their story, and make them feel like the hero of their own tale. People are drawn to those that “get” them and have “read” their story through and through. Avoid mixed signals. Match your body language with words. Be direct. Aligns words and actions with intent. Don’t beat around the bush and avoid any sort of passive aggressiveness. Say how you feel and follow through with action. If you say you’d love to help your friend move, but then find an excuse not to go, you’re not being very consistent, are you? Instead, just say something like “Hey, I’d really not want to spend my weekend carrying furniture. I’ve got better things to do. Besides, I’m pretty lazy to be schlepping things around”, then spend your weekend doing whatever you want. Match what you’re saying with what you’re doing. People may not necessarily appreciate you all the time but they will respect you and your consistency. They’ll think “Wow, this guy (or gal) really says what she means.” If you say what you mean, people won’t fuck with you. They’ll take you seriously as a person. Don’t worry about being “rude” There’s this false notion that if you don’t do what people want or expect of you, then you’re being rude. You’re not being rude at all. You’re simply expressing your boundaries. Having boundaries doesn’t make you a rude person, at least not if you’re polite about it. You can be firm, without being rude. You can say NO, without being an asshole. As a matter of fact, the word “NO” is something you should get used to having in your dictionary. Remember by saying “No” to one thing, you are saying “Yes” to another. The key is to focus on what you actually want to say yes to. This makes it easy to say “No” as in “No, that’s not what I want. That’s not what I like.” Say Thank you, please, and sorry when appropriate (don't overdo it though) If you are appreciative of someone or something they did for you, don’t hesitate to let them know. If you do something and are truly sorry, say so. This goes along with expressing how you really feel. Don’t say thank you or sorry just to say it though. So many people over apologize. Oh sorry, sorry. The big S word. You should try to use it as sparingly as possible, so that people know when you’re sorry, you mean it and when you’re thankful, you mean it too. When you use these sorts of words too much, they become deaf to the ear. Are you really sorry or do you just want their approval? Sometimes you’re gonna get someone upset or piss them off, but you shouldn’t apologize just to make yourself feel better. If you must apologize, do it for them. Do it because you genuinely want them to feel better, not to alleviate your own guilt. Likewise, don’t say “thank you” just to win points. If you don’t appreciate what someone did, tell them. Honesty is the best practice. It may hurt them a bit, they’ll take a blow to the Ego, but ultimately, they’ll respect your integrity and truthfulness. If you notice someone apologizing for something ridiculous, just tell them “I forgive you.” They’ll usually be like “well you don’t have to forgive me. I mean---” Well they don’t have to apologize! Take negative feedback well There are two types of criticism. The first is mindless hate. These are the “trolls” that are just trying to bring you down to your level. The second type is thoughtful review. These are friends, family, and people you care about trying to help you get better. The first type should be ignored. No need to listen to insecure people pout their bullshit. The second should be listened to, without getting butt hurt. Look, you’re not a perfect person, and that’s okay. Don’t try to lie to yourself or anyone by pretending you are perfect. Don’t wear a mask of beauty and perfection. Flaunt your scars and flaws. Let people point them out. Learn to make the best of them, instead of getting all insulted and downbeat. You can’t get too emotionally attached to the idea that people are always going to compliment you and provide positive feedback. Take negative feedback with a grain of salt. It’s meh. It’s whatever. You’ll get better, eventually. Someone pointing out your flaws doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean they hate you. It just means you’ve got some shit to get better at. Keep an open door policy Be open to listening to feedback at any time. Don’t make it a fight. Don’t argue. Just listen. Make people feel that they can approach you with their concerns and criticisms. Of course, on the same token, don’t let them walk all over you and blame you for everything wrong in the relationship. Stick up for yourself, when appropriate. Know where to draw the line. There is a fine line between admitting where you went wrong and being gaslit. Own your own mistakes, but don’t be a scapegoat for every single fuck up that happens. Allow people to call you out on your bullshit. It’s only fair to let them, if you insist on calling them out on theirs. And since you want to be honest, trust me, you’re going to have a lot of bullshit to call people out on, instead of biting your tongue. Don't ignore anger but use it appropriately (right time, right place, right person) Anger is seen as a bad thing, typically. I mean obviously, screaming, shouting, and hitting are not good things, and that’s usually caused by anger, but it’s not the anger itself. Anger, at its core, if we take a step back, is fiery passion. It’s a high amount of energy towards something. You can either unleash it in a bitter rage or use it as fuel to go after or express what it is you want or need. Ignoring anger, or suppressing it, only makes the anger grow into heavier and heavier resentment, which is going to unleash wildly sooner or later. The more you try to control anger, the more out of control it becomes. Instead of ignoring it all together, you must examine your anger, where its coming from, and be able to express it effectively. Use that passion to really say what you mean. No matter how cool, calm, and laid back you are as a lazy procrastin8r, you’re going to get angry about some things. Don’t brush it off or stuff it down. Be angry. Be mad. But know what to do with it and how to let it out. You can “hold” anger back, temporarily, but you can never truly overlook it or forget about it. It’ll find a way out of your system one way or another, even if that means shouting in a fit of rage. Anger builds upon itself if you’re not careful, so let it out in a mature way. Say what pisses you off without the outburst. Be able to cope with people you hate You’re not going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you. That’s just a fact of life. You can’t avoid it. You can’t please everyone. They can’t please you. You’re going to get on each other’s nerves with some people and vice versa. Now you don’t have to create a joyous relationship with these types of people, but sometimes you have to at least not strangle each other and get the task at hand done. Whether that’s working on a project with a co-worker together, living together with a roommate, or whatever sort of “unavoidable” situation you find yourself in with this person, you do not have to make them your enemy. Now, eventually, if you’re not already, you’re going to get out of that 9 to 5 job you loathe, so we can probably nix the co-worker situation, but there are still plenty of instances where you’re going to have to deal with people you don’t like. Maybe you don’t like the waitress at the restaurant you frequent or your doctor you visit or whatever. That doesn’t mean you ignore any of the information about emotional control and remaining relaxed in consistent chill we talked about. As a matter of fact, dealing with people you don’t like is the ultimate test of your emotional maturity. If you can handle those you can barely tolerate with poise and grace, you can certainly flourish when it comes with those who actually like you. Remember, it’s not about getting to “like” each other, it’s about staying strong, stoic, and poise. It’s about embracing your laziness and staying laid-back, no matter how much this person grinds your gears. Be transparent about your decision-making. Explain the why. Back to being demanding (and avoiding that), if you do make a decision and can’t or won’t take the other person’s feedback or input, explain why you did what you did or are going to do what you’re going to do. Don’t leave them in the dark. Just be up front and honest. It may hurt them a bit, initially, but it’s much better than the long, slow pain of figuring out what in the actual fuck just took place. “Ghosting”, as an example, is a pretty common thing in the dating world now. One person decides they’re not interested in the other and instead of using big boy/girl words and saying “Hey, I’m going to stop talking to you. I’m not really interested,” they just disappear (like a ghost) and completely stop responding or saying anything. It leaves the other person wondering “WTF happened?” Similarly, there’s cheating. One person is unhappy in the relationship and instead of having the conversation of “Hey, I’m not happy anymore. We’re breaking up.” they act like everything’s okay and meanwhile sneak behind the other’s back to sleep with someone else. Whatever pain you’re trying to prevent by not being straightforward about your intention is multiplied when you try to hide it. Remember that. Constructive feedback: empathize, share opinion, offer solutions for change. Earlier we talked about how you must be open to receiving constructive criticism, and briefly touched on how “calling out bullshit” is a two-way street. Well, in calling out on someone’s bullshit, there’s an effective way and not so effective way to do it. The not so effective way would be to berate them and make them feel bad until they admit they were wrong. It never works and usually ends up in a fight. The effective way would be to first empathize with them a bit and see things from their perspective, then share your opinion (why you think it’s bullshit), and finally, offer some sort of solution. You want to set the tone of “I understand why you did what you did, but you could do better and here’s how”. Let them know you understand why they did what they did, but make it clear you want them to change and exactly what steps they need to take in order to do that. Fix conversations before they break beyond repair. Let go of blame. Focus on resolution rather than being right. There’s no need to escalate things into a heated argument. There’s no need to “win”. Tension is inevitable, but drama is a choice. Try to steer things towards solving the issue at hand, rather than “getting the upper hand”. You may be wrong, in some sense. Fess up to your fuck ups, let it go, and focus on how to move forward. The longer you try to get the other person to tell you you’re right, the longer you stagnate growth and forward motion. It’s the both of you versus the issue, not versus each other. Make it a co-op mission, not a competitive one. Seek to attain a common goal, instead of victory over another. Enhance your natural communication style. Take a step back, procrastinate with purpose, and examine your strong points when communicating as well as your weak points. Upgrade strengths. Eliminate weaknesses Are you good at listening but falter in expressing your own emotions? Really take a hard look at yourself and ask “What am I doing well?” then try to enhance those features. Ask “What could I improve?” and do what you can to level up and put a stop to your weak behavior. Before doing any sort of self improvement, you have to know where you’re at. You’re responsible for making your own No sense focusing on controlling your anger if you’re already a pretty calm person naturally, for example. Put your effort where it’s necessary to improve. Don’t practice a certain act of communication and emotional management just to practice. Practice with purpose. Wrapping up While knowing people skills may of course benefit your own life personally, no doubt. On the larger scale, it can make a helluva difference. Look at the world on a political spectrum. The “United” States has never been so divided. Both sides are always arguing and never really coming up with solutions. People don’t know how to hold a mature conversation with someone, without letting their emotions and accusations fly. We end up creating a bigger gap between us and that’s no bueno. Change happens one person at a time. Be that one person. Police are too on-edge. They’re unruly, quick to decision-making, impulsive. They have absolutely no “chill”.
I know it sounds like I’m generalizing, but the good ones don’t call the bad ones out, and that’s one of the fundamental issues. They get “worked up” way too easily and fail to remain relaxed in moments of pressure. They have absolutely no calm over their stress and quite honestly act like children in costumes than adults with a job. They need to embrace the Lazy Mindset and take the slow n’ steady path towards solving issues instead of quickly jolting to pull that trigger as soon as possible. They need to be able lean back and examine the scene entirely before barging in recklessly with a lethal weapon...or knee. They need to procrastinate their decision before firing half a dozen round of bullets into a naked man’s chest. They need to seriously chill the fuck out and be able to, I don’t know, actually handle an emergency. I can’t believe I actually have to write those words. That’s like saying “a chef should be able to cook” or “an auto mechanic should be able to fix cars”. Obvious shit, man. I mean... I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to say “a police officer should be able to handle emergencies.” That’s literally what he signed up to do! We’re putting people in the police force that CAN’T handle emergencies and then letting him get away with it. These people can’t do their jobs and are given the pass. If there is anyone, any sort of role that should be able to remain calm at all times, it’s a police officer. Yet, somehow, that’s not the case in this country. Police brutality. It’s an issue that has been going on for years. BLM tried to protest against it peacefully.They tried kneeling during the National Anthem to say “black people are being killed by the police and that’s not what this country is about.” But they were told that they were being unpatriotic. They were told that “all lives matter” and their point is moot. Look, the reason that they were kneeling is not the same reason others were standing. It wouldn’t have hurt to ask: Hey why are you kneeling? That would have started this cool thing called a “discussion”, but that’s not something people who disliked the idea of kneeling during the National Anthem wanted to participate in. Instead, they just assumed it was out of disrespect for the military and the people that fought for their freedom. (And when you assume, it makes an Ass out of U and ME) . Ironically, you had people defending the “kneeling” of a murderer who choked Floyd to death. Straight up: No one in BLM was kneeling to disrespect the military. That’s not what it was about at all. The kneeling was about making a statement on how fair the police were abusing their power, especially towards black people It was actually a veteran who suggested to Colin Kapernick to “take a knee”, so chew on that for a moment. Besides, kneeling is a sign of respect. Sort of how you kneel and pray before the big daddy in the sky. But anyway, the NFL went as far as fining players who chose to kneel during the National Anthem. Conservatives cheered “that’s the company policy. They can do what they want.” Later, after all these riots and burning buildings, the NFLtried to backpedal a bit and said they “were wrong” and “should have listened”. Yeah, they should have. While I’m not justifying the riots nor am I saying that destruction of city buildings is okay, I can understand the anger. They were almost left with no choice. I mean, they had tried so hard for so long to get some sort of justice, some sort of fair treatment, some sort of protection from the one is charge of “protecting” them in the first place...only to watch police officers *ahem* murderers in blue uniform, walk away with a slap on the wrist at best and paid leave at worst. There’s only so much unjust bullshit people can take before they lose it and...riot! When you corner an animal, it’s gonna bite. When you leave a person with no choice but to retaliate violence with violence, when you fail to listen to their grievances, they’re gonna make you listen in whatever way they can. It seems that the only way authorities were willing to listen was after stores were being looted, was after buildings were burnt to ash, was after people were quite frankly pissed off and had enough shit. Now the officers involved with George Floyd’s death are being jailed. Now an officer who pushed an old man at a protest is being charged. Now justice is being served. It seems that the peaceful protests were futile and these riots were, unfortunately, helpful in waking authorities up and fix things. Again, I don’t condone violence in any way. It’s not the lazy way. But to ignore how effective it’s been in pushing fair treatment forward would be blind. I mean what happened in response to the peaceful kneeling and nonviolent protests? They required officers to wear body cams. That’s really about it. But body cams didn’t do shit. Body cams, if anything, allowed people to see even more evidence/video footage of police officers doing a shitty job at being a police officer and shooting innocent people with no legitimate reason. There was still no justice. There was still no fix for the fundamental problem. Despite the dozens of videos showing trigger happy cops taking the life of innocent people, none of these officers faced any real punishment. And worse? They were often defended in their actions. Not a single cop came out and said “that guy fucked up as a cop.” Nope. Instead, it was something to the effect of “he did what was necessary, his life was threatened, or, my favorite “the guy was RESISTING ARREST...blahdy blahdy blah!” Cops’ Behavior is Unacceptable. In NO other industry would such trigger happy behavior be accepted. None. At all. Yet we excuse police officers for Think about all the low-wage workers that have to deal with the “Karens” on a daily basis. From refusing to pay for a coffee that she has to make herself and it’s “not her job” to do so to refusing to follow store policy and enter a grocery store with a mask on, there are just shitty self-entitled people in this world who offer no respect. But the workers at the store can’t pull out a gun and shoot the bitchy customer or throw a hot cup of coffee in their face for acting, well...bitchy. They have to remain calm and handle the situation with poise and grace. Imagine the backlash if everytime a retail or restaurant customer started yelling, someone on staff put a bullet in their skull to shut them up. You wouldn’t hear the end of it! And that specific business would certainly shut down, or at the very least, the staff involved would not only lose their jobs but face heavy legal repercussions. Imagine if people used the same arguments as they do for cops though. “You should know not to piss off a cashier. When you upset a cashier, you just risked your life.” Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it. Well it sounds just as ridiculous when you replace the word “cashier” with “cop.” It doesn’t matter how “stressful” the situation is or how “bad” the customer is acting, in no way does whatever sort of circumstance happening warrant wielding a gun and firing multiple shots just to teach the person a lesson. Yet people argue that a police officer’s job is “oh so stressful.” I’m sure it is. But that doesn’t give them the right to act out billergerently. That doesn’t give them the right to justify their immoral actions. They should know better. It’s their job to know better. It’s their job to literally handle crisis effectively, rationally, not act on impulse.. Yet it seems the people who should be able to handle crisis best (police officers) are actually the worst at it. A cashier at Wal-Mart or barista at Starbucks is expected to practice a higher level of emotional control than the average police officer, someone apparently trained on how to handle emergencies. If you can’t handle the heat of the kitchen, then stay out. And if you can’t handle the “stress” of being a police officer and wind up killing someone innocent, then turn in your badge and stay the fuck out of the job of “protecting people”. But they were NOT innocent! Some of the victims of getting murdered by cops were in fact criminals. But okay, let’s take a look at this, shall we? Things like selling untaxed cigarettes or using a counterfeit $20 bill. Woah, big crimes there. What’s the punishment for that though? Death? ….really? Not only capital punishment but one without a trial. Just instant death. What kind of back ass water country you tryin’ to live in here? Should we chop off your hand if you steal a candy bar too? And if he was resisting arrest? First of all, he was resisting choking to death. There’s a difference. Second, there are definitely about a dozen and a half non-lethal ways to handle that sort of thing, mmm k pumpkin? I’m not even a cop, but I can definitely think of ways to not kill a person when they’re resisting arrest. Death should certainly NOT be the consequence for refusing to put on handcuffs. Let’s not forget about Brock Turner who literally raped an unconscious girl behind a dumpster. He happened to be white. He just got a slap on the wrist again, a few months in jail and a “Oh just don’t rape again” sort of thing. I don’t know where your morals lie, but I’m bargaining to think that using fake money is maybe, kind of, at least a little, less serious than ya know, rape! The police are supposed to be protectors of the people NOT deadly enforcers. While certainly, crime cannot go unpunished, I don’t like the policy of “kill all criminals” (or people who MIGHT be a criminal, for that matter). NOT All Police. Just a few bad apples! I feel I should mention, in case I haven’t made it clear enough already: there are good police officers out there. In fact, I’d wager that most of them want to stand up for justice and do what is right. The problem lies in that fact that the good ones don’t call out the bad ones. They even go as far as defending them. There’s this sort of “brotherhood pact” where all cops stick up for each other no matter what, and that needs to stop. Cops need to call each other out on their bullshit. If there’s a cop and he’s not making the most rational decision in an emergency, if he’s literally murdering an innocent civilian, cops need to have the calm courage to say “That cop is a bad cop” in the same way a musician might go to a local bar and see an awful band perform and be like “that guitarist is a bad guitarist.” He wouldn’t defend him and say “Well, it’s a nerve-wrecking situation being up on stage. You never know how the crowd will react.” Like no, shut up. His guitar is out of tune. He’s a bit too drunk to sing in key. He sucks! He’s giving all other guitarists a bad rep. If you can’t honestly call someone out on their bullshit, then you’re just as terrible as they are. The Catholic Church tried to cover up pedophiles and now the police with murderers. Again, that’s not to say all cops are abusers or murderers or bad people, but the ones that are, deserve to be reprimanded by their own “brothers” in the police force. Applauding “the good cops” is like applauding a good waitress. Like, she greeted me with a friendly smile. She kept good small talk.She didn’t even throw the mashed potatoes at me when she served my dinner! Meeting the expectations of your job doesn’t warrant a “participation trophy.” You did your job the way you’re supposed to. Good on you. These “good cops” are the ones doing their jobs the way they are supposed to. Bad People WANT to Be Cops If I’m a bad person, if I’m racist, bigotted, or just terribly sadistic and enjoy torturing or murdering others, I’m gonna look at cops, see how they get away with that shit, and be like “I can kill people and not face any sort of punishment. I can just say they were resisting arrest and look at that. I’ll be free of charge.” Seeing all the videos of cops literally murdering people on screen and not getting any sort of legal repercussions, if I’m a bad person, I’m gonna be like “Wow, I can live the thug life, I can do all the sick things I want to and hurt other people, without facing any of the consequences of the law.” While not all cops are bad, bad people are going to be attracted to becoming one because it offers them protection from consequences when committing horrendous acts. Society literally sent the message that cops stand above the law. If you’re enforcing the law, you should probably abide by it as well. Just sayin’. Hold yourself accountable to your own standards. When I think of the people I want to keep me safe from harm, I want the most moral and just people, not someone who is attracted to the power that comes with holding such a position and can easily abuse their power. There Needs to be a Focus on De-escalation Most of the training hours for the police force are spent in the shooting range. We wonder why there are so many cases of police shooting civilians. Well... We’re literally training cops to shoot!! If most of the time in Police Training is spent aiming and firing at at targets, what’s the first thing that’s gonna be on their mind in a hectic situation? Pulling the trigger, of course! Instead of practicing their firearm skills so much, what they should really practice, what they should really adhere to is remaining calm and using de-escalation skills. Cops are barely trained right now to deal with drama. They don’t know how to simmer down someone acting reckless without stopping his heart. They’re basically told: “You might have to shoot, so here’s how you shoot.”...and so they shoot or kill in some other fashion. Really they should be told “only shoot if you ABSOLUTELY need to and even then, procrastinate the shooting and wait ‘til the last second.” I understand there are some dangerous situations a cop may find himself in, but they need to learn to relax and not treat every single person like some sort of threat to their life, especially if they’re unarmed and naked. They need to be able to “read the room” and read body language. I’m no professional psychologist (or police officer for that matter), but I can tell in that George Floyd video that the man is literally begging for his life, not attempting some sort of ruse. I mean unless the dude is some sort of Oscar award-winning actor, you can tell he’s legitimately losing life force in his breath and crying for help. Cops should be able to recognize this. Like if me, a lazy dude, can see in someone’s body language that they’re not trying to pull a fast one or whatever, so should a “professional” crisis handler. They’re treating civilians like they are prisoners in the concentration camps, giving either torture or death as a punishment for not “falling in line” correctly. The justice department shouldn’t be about forcing citizens to “fall in line”. It should be about protecting those citizens. Even if that means, the cop has to put aside his frail little Ego and power-hunger for a second to save a life. And if anything, they should value the lives of others over their own. In Canada, the police, before they start their shift and go out on patrol, take the time to meditate and ease their mind. They put themselves in a state of peace first thing, so that they can better handle the stresses coming their way. I think we oughta take the cue from our northern neighbors in the states and have cops embrace their inner calmness, their inner-laziness, before starting their day. Violence is NOT the Answer. Despite all the peaceful protests, there wasn’t enough change until after things heated up in riots. The officers involved with George Floyd’s death have been charged and jailed. That’s a step. But still not enough. We need a fundamental fixing to this whole thing. They’re protecting property, not people. The deaths of the innocent were not enough to make the changes we need to see. A few ruptured buildings though? Well now things gotta change! Now this is an important issue! Now everything that's been talked about for years must be made a priority! It’s sad to see how authorities value assets more than human life. While it’s great to see steps towards change, it’s unfortunate that it took damaged property to make that happen, as if black lives weren’t enough over all these years. I won’t go as far as to say that “the violence was necessary” but it certainly did get people in positions of power to finally, FINALLY listen (not as if we haven’t been trying to make a statement, peacefully, for quite a while). I’d venture to say that the combination of cabin fever from quarantine and people’s already built up resentment of police brutality made George Floyd’s story the final straw. You can’t force lock everyone inside and then demonstrate that cops are still killing people without them wanting to barge out on the streets in rage. The entire justice system needs to be re-worked and hopefully cops can learn to relax in their laziness instead of pull the trigger. Meanwhile, the entire public is torn. Everyone’s arguing for their “side”. We’re on the verge of a civil war. The United States has never been so divided. On top of that, we’re still in the midst of a global pandemic, with the CDC saying that the riots are “breeding grounds” for COVID-19. Hopefully we can lean back and listen to each other this time, before it escalates even further, even more destructive, even worse. We need to realize there is no “side” and all these fights of race, gender, political party, is all to keep us fighting amongst ourselves, instead of fighting for what is right and fair for everyone. We all want the same thing. Peace. Harmony. We want happiness for all. But we keep trying to separate ourselves and trying to find reasons to be different, reasons to disagree. And instead of talking, we fight. We call each other names. We riot on the street. Just to get each other to listen. But what if we just stop. Wait. Procrastinate. And actually fucking listen for once. Listen to the grievances of others. Understand them. I mean, we could have avoided this whole flaming riot thing had people done that in the first place during the peaceful “take a knee” protests. But no, people couldn’t listen and had to raise more drama about patriotism and whatnot. You can’t eliminate drama with more drama. We want our cops to be able to de-escalate crisis and handle it with poise and grace, to analyze the whole situation before acting recklessly. Perhaps we need to look at ourselves and be able to do the same between one another. Like cops, we can’t assume the other person is the bad guy just because we feel threatened or hurt or insulted. We have to be able to actually look at what’s going on and understand the other person’s perspective, understand their struggle. Actually listen when he says “I can’t breathe.” Don’t keep kneeling on him to the ground. Don’t assume your life is in danger. We have to ask ourselves. Do we really want to set the streets ablaze every time we make a point? Do we really want people out on the streets wielding machine guns and storming state capitols every time they want to make theirs? A lot of this drama could all be avoided if we took the time to lean back and listen to one another, instead of posting memes that insult the other “side”. Stop taking sides. There’s one side. Human beings. That’s the side we’re all on. This isn’t a competition. This isn’t a challenge. If you want others to listen to your grievances, then you must offer the same favor in return. You can’t be heard if you never let anyone else be heard. You can choose to listen or choose to keep fighting and get more intense. I say we take the slow n’ steady path, as always. Take it easy, N8 Quarantine or not, you spend a lot of time lounging around the house playing video games, binge watching shows, and browsing memes. You isolate yourself away from others, whether there’s an official mandate telling you to or not.
It’s not that you necessarily dislike other people, you just have a severe distaste for dealing with their bullshit and drama. Plus, the anxiety that spurs the moment you *even think about* being in a crowd or group of people is enough to drive you mad. To say the least, going out socially is not your forte. You’re worried about coming across as some sort of creep or weirdo, especially to strangers. You hate feeling ridiculed or judged by others. You find yourself constantly monitoring what you do, think, and say, hoping to win people’s approval and then winding up not liked very much anyway... or maybe they do. You don’t know. You get so anxious thinking about it. You’d rather [sit in your lazy lonesome] than deal with any sort of social situation. So you continue to indulge yourself in hours of movies and gaming. I mean, certainly, you’d *like* to be around people. You just...don’t understand people or want to. I don’t know, man, it seems like too much of a hassle or maybe it’s just draining as hell. Either way, you and your lazy introverted ass are torn between *wanting to* socialize but at the same time not wanting to do the things necessary to make that happen or going through the emotional turmoil of a panic attack. Fortunately, it doesn’t take much energy at all to successfully “win friends and influence people”, as Dale Carnegie put it. It’s just a matter of doing simple things, without overthinking it. A true procrastin8r never overthinks, overworks, or over-does *anything*. S/he does *just enough* to get by. No more, no less. Don’t pressure yourself. A general rule of thumb in embracing laziness as a procrastin8r is “working smart not hard” in order to minimize effort and maximize results. What we’re diving into today is a sort of lazy man’s guide to being able to gain social awareness. For the purposes of this article, we're not referring to social awareness as "being woke" or anything. Awareness is key to becoming charismatic. If you are aware of social dynamics, you can handle emotionally “tense”situations with poise and grace. Being aware does NOT mean you are hyper alert (again, no over thinking), but calmly aware of the situation and your surroundings and able to make decisions in a relaxed state of mind. We’re going to take a look at how you can become socially aware in the first place and use it to your advantage in establishing stronger connections with others, using a fraction of the effort you may be used to using mind you! With riots on the street and buildings being burnt to ash, it’s more important than ever to place our Ego to the side and use an empathetic heart and the social awareness skills we’re about to get into. If, as a collective society, we all had a bit more social awareness, we wouldn’t have all these flames and violence in the first place. Hopefully we can cure this viru...of social injustice and that all begins with being socially aware on a personal level. Without further ado, let’s dive right into it! 1. Know Thy Lazy Self The first step to becoming socially aware (and not so awkward) is to become aware of yourself. If you can’t even understand your own thoughts and feelings, yet alone accept them, you can’t expect to be so understanding towards that of others. You want another person feeling like you “get” them. That doesn’t mean you have to always agree. That doesn’t mean you have to always approve, but you can “see” what they’re saying or doing and *why*. You understand the logical reasons and the emotional feelings behind their decisions or opinions You get it. It may not be perfect, or in line with your own judgement, but it’s human and valid. Instead of labeling them with some type of insult, you get to know them. Likewise, before you slap on a self-pinned label of “failure” or “not good enough”, or whatever negative connotation you want to use, you want to [affirm to yourself]: “I totally see where I was coming from, given my current knowledge and emotional state of mind at that time” no matter what. At the end of the day, people just want to feel understood, like they’re still “worthy” of being a person. That’s why when you build your own worthiness within, you can better share it with others. No longer are you “trying hard” to feel understood yourself, but rather understand the other person. You want to get to the point where you already understand yourself and don’t need to “prove” to anyone or anything your own worth. You just know it. You know yourself through and through. You know why you feel the way you do, think the way you do, do the things you do. You don’t need other people to understand it. You aim to understand them in the way you understand yourself, with love and compassion. The better you are aware of yourself, the better you can relate to other people. Period. Seeing your own emotional responses and triggers can give you a better outlook on other people. Before diving into the rest of this article, I *highly* recommend reading [the article I wrote last week that covers self awareness in detail]. Basically, you want to be your own best friend and be compassionate to yourself no matter what shit you’re going through or how bad you fucked up. Caring for yourself, validating your own emotions, instead of using an external source (ie. another person) to do that for you is the foundation for social awareness. 2. You become likeable by making other people seem likeable There’s this popular false notion that in order to get other people to like you, you should do things that *make them* like you. Look, you can’t make anyone like you by doing that. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to talk about how great their life is, what they accomplished, what they’re interested in. No one cares. I mean seriously, if you’re not interested in talking to someone, would them trying to tell you about why you should talk to them and how cool they are make you any more interested? Like “Oh look at me. And me this. And me that” Probably not. Nothing’s worse than the cocky asshole who won’t STFU about himself. Stop trying to be a jester entertaining the courts of lords and ladies. Be a damn king or queen. You’re not here to entertain them. They’re here to entertain you. I mean, it’s okay to be a little cocky, in a teasing way. But there is a line. You don’t want them thinking “Gee all this person talks about is themselves. I mean,they seem pretty cool and all, but damn, how boring!” People want to feel like they’re interesting, and most people can be. Every single person has a story. Your goal is to find out what that story is. You can share a bit of your own story, but for the most part,[ let them do the talking]. Lead the conversation with specific questions that relate to their personal story. Uncover the truth of them as a human. Again, you’re pretty much validating their worthiness by showing interest. Instead of thinking “They may not like me or what I have to say”, start thinking “I may not like *them* and what *they* have to say. It’s all mindset. Don’t be overly eager either to find out all about them. While on one hand, you don’t want to be all about yourself, on the other, you don’t want to be all about them either. Show “interest”, like I said, and that’s a key word. Interest is the attitude of “Let’s see what you’re about”. It’s all about being slightly curious, nothing more. There’s a fine line between that and obsession. Obsession is weird. Obsession is awkward. Obsession is not okay. Obsession is the attitude of “OMG I NEED TO HAVE HER!” You don’t want to be so hooked to the person that they begin to lose respect for you. Remember, if you treat someone like a celebrity, they will treat you like a fan. Show interest, without being overly eager. Use that laziness and simmer down. You find them likeable but not godly. You find them...human, actually! 3. Talk in conversation “threads” If you’re not the best conversationalist, and find yourself making awkward pauses, wondering what to say next, here’s a little secret: conversation threads! These basically keywords that you listen for and allow to steer the conversation down a new topic, or thread. When someone mentions a specific word or phrase, be aware of the implications of what they say. Every word they say has subtext. Just think outside the box. Maybe you see a woman walking her dog and you say “He looks like such a good boy. I’d give him treats if I had some.” “Oh he won’t be getting any treats. He tore up my garden yesterday. I’m taking him on a walk to get his energy out because obviously he has a bit too much of it.” Hmm...Did you catch the thread? Gardening! Now you know she gardens. Is she an environmentalist? Is it something she did as a kid? Who taught her how to garden? Maybe you find out her grandfather taught her and she used to go to his place in the mountains The awesome thing about conversation threads is that at any time, you can “circle back” to an old thread and create new ones. Now you can choose to ask about her relationship with her grandfather or maybe you ask about what it was like up in the mountains or maybe you decide to “circle back” and ask about what she’s growing in the garden or even more about her dog. The choice is yours. Plenty of “threads” to choose from. In this way, a conversation will never end until you choose to end it. Plus, this shows you are interested in getting to know them. This requires you to turn off the noise in your head, as we’ll get to, and actually listen and pay attention to what they’re saying. Focus on the words coming out of their mouth, not about what you’re going to say next. The answer in what to say next is *told to you* if you just listen. 4. Have a couple “go to” topics When in doubt, have a couple topics, about 5-10, that you can pull up as a sort of “makeshift thread”. This can easily help you recover from “Oh shit, what now?” moments during the conversation or even get it started in the first place. If they’re not giving you any good threads to follow or if you feel a thread has sort of died (which to be fair, usually it hasn’t and there’s always more to discover), you can always pull these topics out of your back pocket. Current events work wonders in conversation/thread starters. Interesting trivia that can grab attention is a killer too. Talk about the articles and books you read. Bonus points if you can relate it to a previous thread, but not necessary. If you are aware of what’s going on in the world, you can better relate to others about all those happenings. You can also examine the current environment for some of these “go to’s”. For example, as you see people walking around with their masks during this COVID outbreak, you could say something like “How you doing on this mighty apocalyptic afternoon?” Or “Did the zombies come yet or is that next week?” Whatever comes natural to you based on the surrounding environment and current state of affairs. 5. Less is more Many people think that the more you do, the harder you try, the better results you’ll get with people and relationships. I mean sounds reasonable. Nearly every aspect in life operates under that formula. Want to get better grades? Study more. Want to get in shape? Exercise more. Want to form better relationships with people? The obvious answer would be to “do more” for them. Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Ya gotta take the procrastin8r approach. Don’t invest more emotionally into a connection more than another person. Less is more. Cha! Cha! Cha! Charisma! Be aware of how desperate, not to mention hardworking, it comes across when you’re out there trying to people please and do everything to make the other person happy when they do very little, if anything for you. You get friend zoned because you showed too much care too quickly, with zero or a minuscle amount of investment on the other person’s end. He who cares least controls the relationship. I’m not saying to not give a fuck about them, and be an entirely selfish asshole, but give less fucks than they do (you can take that either metaphorically or figuratively). 6. Get out of your own head. If you’re having thoughts like: “They must hate me. They probably think I’m such a loser.” Man, maybe it’s not about you. Maybe they’re just upset about not being able to get a haircut for months. Maybe they’re having trouble breathing in their mask. Maybe the way you look just reminds them of their abusive ex. Who knows? That’s on them. You’re not responsible for their feelings, so don’t put them in your own head. 7. The Anxiety NEVER stops You’re always going to feel anxious. No matter how many friends you make, no matter how many strangers you approach on the street. No matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends you have. You’re always, always, allllllwaaaayss going to feel the burning sensation of anxiety. That’s instinct. It’s natural. You can’t control it. You can’t stop it. And the more you try, the stronger it grows. So instead of telling yourself to stop feeling a certain way, ask yourself *why* you feel that way. What is the anxiety trying to tell you? Recognize the feeling is valid, but say “fuck it” and go strike up that conversation with a complete stranger, go have that “serious talk” with your significant other, go out with your friends when they invite you. You know you want to. Your anxiety may have a point, but don’t give it control. Don't let anxious feelings turn into worry. Anxiety happens. Worry is when you let it linger. 8. Aim to always feel comfortable in your surroundings. I hate the phrase “break outside your comfort zone.” It implies that you have to do something you don’t want. You do want to socialize. You do want to create strong friendships and relationships. You don’t want to influence people. You just can’t (or believe you can’t) because you feel too much anxiety or it’s something you just don’t have the energy for. You can’t “break out” of your comfort zone without “breaking down”. So the goal is not to break out of anything, but to expand it (without breaking). Like building a world of Minecraft, you have to start small before you have a cube empire. [Start with being comfortable alone, in your own presence], before expanding to a big social circle. Take it one conversation at a time. Slow n’ steady. The first conversation is with yourself. The deeper you are comfortable with yourself within, the more comfortable you can be in (outer) social situations. You don’t have to be happy and joyous at all times, just...comfortable, at ease, relaxed. Produce inner-calm and peace and you’ll create an alluring aura for others to come to. If you let anxiety run its course and take control though, you’ll instead create your own fate of being weird an awkward. Those who think they are gonna fuck up, fuck up. Thos ewho think they’re gonna be too anxious in social situations are gonna well, predict the future. Remember, anxiety can’t and won’t stop. No matter what level of confidence or success you’re at. You just say to your anxiety: “Okay, thanks for telling me, but we’re fine.” 9. Say the right words at the right time. We’ve sort of covered this [in the article about how to live with someone you’re stuck with in quarantine], but sometimes ya gotta know when the appropriate time to say something is, instead of just blurt it out becaus eit’s on *your* mind. Think about what’s on the other person’s mind. Think about how they are feeling. Empathy. Use it. If Sally just told you her cat died, it’s probably not a good time to ask if she had a chance to finish that book she was reading. Use context to the situation in deciding what to say and when to say it. It’ll save you the hassle of someone lashing out or thinking “Why would he say that right now?” 10. Observe. Don’t look at your phone We all have smartphones and we’re all checking the dozens of social media accounts 24 hours a day, in between catching Pokemon, raising a farm, and crushing candy. But if you really want to up your social awareness game, put down the phone. You’ll be able to see cool new things, like body language. Woah! Plus...It’ll be easier, I mean *a lot* easier to listen and hear what the other person is saying. It’s difficult to concentrate on the conversation while you're browsing Reddit looking up cute dog pics. Be in the room. Be present. 11. Save yourself stress. Plan ahead. Do it later. That’s the procrastin8r way. Wait ‘til last minute.But there’s nothing wrong with being prepared when that last minute comes. Think about all the things a person might say and plan your response to each of them. Be adaptable, willing to improvise a little bit, if things don’t go exactly “according to plan”, but just like being aware of conversation threads, be aware of the potential outcomes. Remain unfazed no matter where things go or what pops up unexpectedly. Expect the unexpected and you will be prepared for anything and everything. You shouldn’t worry yourself to sleep about how things might go wrong. Things can go right too. Play a “Choose Your Own Adventure” in your head and imagine all the possible stories that can be written, both good and bad. 12. Pay attention to body language Body language can tell you a lot about what a person is thinking or feeling. It’s less about what they say but how they say it and how they physically animate it with their body. If a person tells you they are “doing fine” but stands slouched, with their arms crossed, they’re probably upset about something. A person’s mood is often expressed physically, so keep an open eye. We won’t cover body language in detail right now, maybe later...eventually, but just know that the more aware you are of the intricacies of body language, the better able you will be to say the right thing at the right time. 13. Go people watching. Be a fly on the wall One good way to sort of “practice” your social awareness is to watch other people as an observer. In this way, you have no stakes in the game. You are just a spectator, not a participant. Failure to read body language correctly or understand the other person’s feelings and point of view have no consequences. You’re just watching, like a lazy sloth from high up on the tree. Of course you don’t want to stare and look like a creep, but if you’re not yet comfortable with going out in public and watching real people, you could try watching movies. Actors and actresses display emotion with their tone of voice, facial expressions, and of course, body language. Pay attention to these details and see if you can spot what the character is feeling in a specific scene. 14. Treat others how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated. No one is you. You are you. You have your own thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. You can’t assume someone else is just like you. We’re not all clones. Another person has a different background than you. Understand that. Understand them. Something you like and find kind may be annoying to someone else. Something that irritates your balls off, may just be the type of affection someone needs. Oftentimes, people will express care to you in the way they want to receive care. All you have to do is pay attention to what that is and reciprocate. Learn to speak another person’s “love language” by examining the way in which they express it. No need to jump through hoops trying to buy elaborate gifts if all they need to hear is a simple compliment to feel loved, or at the very least appreciated. Don’t make the mistake of doing things the other person doesn’t want or need. This is just a waste of time and effort. Be lazy. Often this “doing things to make someone happy” comes from the desire to meet your own needs of “feeling good” . Actually do things for other people, not for yourself. 15. Ask. If you don’t ask, you’ll never be sure. If you’re not quite sure what another person is saying or can’t quite put your thumb on the type of body language they’re using, if you’re left feeling confused, or don’t want to just assume (and make an ass out of u and me), then ask. Ask the other person what they’re thinking or feeling. It does no harm to do so. You can even tell them “Let me see if I got this…” or “I’m trying to understand. Is this what you’re thinking…” 16. Use empathy Imagine being the other person. Imagine living *their* story. Don’t judge what they did or how they act based on your own story, your own experience. Try to mentally and emotionally experience what they are going through and make a judgement based on that. Discussions become arguments when two people can’t lay back and observe the other’s perspective. Basing their world view on yours and vice versa is counter productive. You have to see through their eyes and look at things from their frame of mind. Now that doesn’t mean you have to break your own frame, but it does mean that you at least become aware of theirs and fully understand it, to the point where you see how they *could be* right, even if at the end of the day, you “agree to disagree.” When approaching a disagreement (before it lands into an argument or shouting match territory), ask yourself “How are *they* right?” instead of thinking “How can I prove them wrong?” See the other side of the debate as a person trying to be understood, not as your enemy. 17. See the whole picture If you’re getting upset with another person, before escalating it into a big drama or fight... Take a step back. Procrastinate. Examine the situation from a third person perspective. Remove your emotional attachment to what’s going on. Get out of your damn Ego! Focus and take a look on the wide range of things. Be aware of the full story, not just your side of it. Wrapping up: Trying to impress somebody or “woo” them over is a waste of time and way too much work. Your goal is to understand the person, not to win points. That’s it. Make other people feel understood instead of aiming to feel understood by them. When it comes to social situations, there’s no need to let anxiety conquer you. While there’s no way to avoid the anxiety, you can certainly choose how much power it has over you and your decision making process. Spend less time “trying hard” to make friends and keep relationships and more time on actually understanding where the fuck they’re coming from and what their story is. Give people the impression that they are worthy and likeable, without going overboard. Make them feel like they want *your* approval, not the other way around, by matching their level of investment and interest, And finally, don’t base your entire self worth on how socially adept you are. Build your own self worth within and the social abilities will come naturally. Relax and listen to your friends, your significant other, your teachers, your neighbors, your roomates. They all have stories. Let their story be heard. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
March 2022
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