|
When it comes to getting what we want, we're often held back by our own doubts, our own obsession with getting things "right" and imagining our failure to do so. We’re bound by our own fears of not gaining approval from others. Fuck it.
Other times, we makes a mistake or get rejected. Yeah, Fuck that too. First, being “right” is a terrible principle to live by. You’re an idiot. Just admit it. You get things wrong sometimes and you’re gonna continue to get things wrong in the future. You can’t always be right. You’re gonna make mistakes. Stop trying to delusion yourself into thinking you already know everything or even should know everything. No one does and we all make mistakes. We all are idiotic sometimes. Don’t aim to be right. Aim to be honest. Honestly express yourself by going after what you want, despite potential “wrongs” that may occur. Second, approval is worthless. I mean totally utterly worthless. Nothing makes you more boring, and quite frankly dishonest, as a person than building your life and personality to cater towards what other people want, or what you think they want. It places your own internal value on others and makes you feel unworthy and unfulfilled. It puts you in a place of living your life through the eyes of others, rather than your own. Seek your own vision rather than the approval of others. So when you see something you want, you fear you won’t “get it right” or won’t earn the proper approval of others. Look, you have a choice to make. You can either give into those doubts and watch what you desire slip away, never taking the opportunity to embrace it, never knowing if it were to be either a success or failure, never placing yourself in a place of vulnerability in order to attain what you want. Or you can detach yourself from the outcome. Let go of your worries and fears. Embrace the Lazy Mindset of total cool, calm confidence. Stop lying to yourself or trying to convince yourself that you don’t actually want the thing anyway. Release your stress and anxieties and say "Fuck it" You may think you're not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, not charming enough to take a step towards a goal or opportunity. Tell that voice inside your head: "Fuck it. We're doing it anyway." Stop caring so much about the outcome. Stop heavily investing yourself emotionally into what can or can’t happen, in what you cannot control. Emotions only help you make bad decisions and give up opportunities if you completely rely on them. It's not so much about getting things perfect or even close to what you imagine, it's about being able to handle it if you don't. And fuck it, you can handle it. You can handle rejection. You can handle mistakes. You can handle people not liking you. Don't let your emotional Doubting Voice convince you otherwise. Your Doubting Voice is fueled by hardwired survival instincts and it's trying to tell you that if you don't succeed in the task *flawlessly*, you will die. Spolier Alert: No matter how daunting the task may seem, no matter how much you mess up, you're NOT gonna die (unless the task wrestling a grizzly bear or some shit) It's no big deal. It's all part of the flow and the flow gets a bit wavy sometimes. Whatever, you're in it for the ride, not the landing on the shore. Even if you get knocked over a bit, still, not gonna die. It's all good. Focus on the experience itself rather than the final destination. That's called living The moment you begin to add volume to the Doubting Voice in your head is the moment you already fail. Congrats! You avoided death, when death wasn't even a consequence of the situation. Quiet down that voice by shouting over it: "FUCK IT!" Use that inner voice of confidence of strength to overpower the one of weakness. See a beautiful woman on the street but fear you're "out of her league"? Fuck it. Go up and talk to her. Want to start playing an instrument but doubt you'll ever get any good? Fuck it. Pick it up and start playing. Have a killer business idea but are worried it might fail? Fuck it. Launch the business. Dream of having a YouTube channel but get nervous about how you look on camera? Fuck it. Start recording. Disagree with a friend or partner but don't want to hurt their feelings? Fuck it. Be honest. You'll try to excuse yourself with lines of "I don't feel like it," telling yourself you're too lazy to even try. No, you're not lazy. You're just fucking scared. You're a scared little wuss. You're emotionally a goddamn scared little child, trying to hide away from potential consequences of making mistakes. You’re scared of failure. Scared of what you cannot control Scared of people's critical or harsh opinions of you. Scared of getting rejected. Scared of not being liked. Scared of...DEATH! See, in the hunting and gathering days of our ancestors, being rejected meant certain death. It was a harsh wilderness and nearly impossible to survive alone. You’d either get hunted by an animal or killed by a tribe. You needed your own tribe for protection. You needed a group of people for survival and thus needed approval of said group. Similarly, taking high risks in this primal time, could lead to getting mauled to death by a predator. Thus, moving outside our “comfort zone” alerts our brains of potential “danger”. We panic and feel fear in these situations. In sum, we developed these survival instincts to..
Unfortunately, our brain hardware is a bit outdated in the modern world. The stakes of rejection or moving toward an opportunity aren’t as detrimental as it was for our ancestors. Worst case scenario, they say “no” and you move on. You won’t die. You have all the resources necessary to survive on your own in the modern day and age. You don’t need approval. Worst case scenario, your goal doesn’t go as planned and you have to try another way to get there. You won’t die. Instead, you get to learn from your mistakes and thrive better in the future. Our brains don’t know the difference between a real threat to our life and an imagined one. In most situations where you find yourself feeling those survival instincts of anxiousness, it’s nothing but imagined danger. in other words, problems usually aren't as big as you imagine them to be. Whatever the result, you’ll be okay. You’ll live another day. When those apprehensive feelings shout at you not to take a step forward, tell your brain to shut the fuck up and you got this. Relax. Be actually lazy. Have the attitude that most things are not a big deal (which they aren't by the way). Not moving forward or exposing your true self to others is not lazy, it’s fearful. Laziness is a state of relaxation. Laziness is remaining calm under pressure. Laziness is actually saying and doing what you want rather than "working hard" to fulfill the status quo. Laziness is finding comfort in your true thoughts and feelings, rather than in what earns the approval of others. Laziness is remaining poised because you know mistakes and rejection aren't going to kill you. Laziness is emotional maturity. Laziness is simply not giving a fuck. Stop trying to protect your frail little kid inside you, your loud little Ego, by playing it safe. Stop lying to yourself and others instead of being open, honest, and vulnerable. If you see someone you find attractive and don't approach them, you're not being true to yourself. If you're working a desk job you hate, and would rather be doing something else for a living, but refuse to start a new career, you're not being true to yourself. If you have goals but you're not going after them (slow n steady), you're not being true to yourself. Stop listening to your primal Doubting Voice that's telling you everything you attempt is a life or death situation. Stop listening to your lying little bastard of an Ego that's telling you to say and do things you don't really mean in order to please others and project a certain image. Stop listening to your inner child that's telling you to yell, kick, scream, run in fear, and throw temper tantrums when you don't get what you want. Stop giving too much of a fuck to pointless shit. Instead listen to the Lazy Voice who's telling you to "Calm the fuck down . Fuck it. You can be honest with what you want. You can be yourself. It ain't so bad. Even if things don't go the best, it'll be chill" Look, worst case scenario you don't get exactly what you want, but because you're "going with the flow”, because you're completely "unfazed" by the outside world, and unattached to any particular outcome, it's not about "getting" anything and your fine no matter what happens. Fuck it before it fucks you. Don't live a life of regret. Live a life of "I tried and it was fun" The hectic outside world and all of its bustle does not effect the inner calm and peace within you. The uncontrolled events of the outer do not control the controlled Lazy Mindset of the inner. Fucked up? Fuck it. Not everyone likes you? Fuck it. Shit hit the fan? Fuck it. Stop worrying. Don't get caught up in the negative emotions of a situation. Life is a comedy, not a drama. Say fuck it and laugh it off . Say "Mistakes are Meh" and move on. Say "Fuck It, Whatever." Enjoy the entertainment while you're here. Sometimes shitty things happen and sometimes things beyond your control take a turn for the worse or smack you in the face with a heavy palm of the unexpected. Fuck it, it really doesn't matter. None of it matters. After all, it's not about getting it right or getting it perfect or even "getting", period. It's not about controlling the outcome or every detail of your life. It's not about winning approval of others or earning fame. It's not about accumulating wealth or leaving behind a prosperous estate. It's about experiencing.It's about being an actual human being with their own actual desires and feelings that may or may not fit the mold of everybody else, that may or may not fit societal expectations. It's about taking risks "just to see what happens" and having fun with whatever does happen. It's about Giving who you are to others, to the universe, by being true to your Lazy Self. It's about LIVING. Ironically, the very instinct (the Doubting Voice inside your head) trying to keep you alive is the very instinct that puts you in a Dead state of mind. Remember that and say Fuck It, I'm gonna live and be a gift to the world! - N8 Subscribe to my newsletter 'cause fuck it. Why not?
0 Comments
There’s this belief in society that you should be smart, and if you aren’t smart, you’re just an idiot and being an idiot makes you worthless.
In all fairness, the idea of being smart doesn’t seem like a bad thing. I mean the mark of high intelligence has its perks. High academic intelligence leads to a well-paying job in a prestigious field. High social intelligence leads to stronger friendships and relationships. High emotional intelligence leads to better self confidence and self control. But consider for a moment that people who possess such a high level of intelligence, people who are indeed smart, never call themselves “smart” (or a "very stable genius" for that matter). While they may recognize their esteemed level of knowledge, humbly, these genuinely smart people at the end of the day probably think of themselves as very much an idiot, and that’s a good thing! See, being an idiot implies there’s much to be learned; it implies there’s room to grow. The Idiot Mindset is a Growth Mindset, able to expand and evolve. The Idiot, unfortunately, receives a lot of flack and is often frowned upon. It’s time we give an ode to the Idiot. It’s time we use him as an idol, rather than shame him for not knowing things. It’s time we appreciate his lack of knowledge and inadequacy. It’s time we stop trying to be right all the time and pretending to know everything when we don’t and admit that we’re idiots. We don’t know shit. Now if you feel insulted by being called an Idiot, then you’re likely trapped in your own Ego. God forbid you hurt your fragile Ego.The Ego is a selfish dick and you need to tell himt to shut the fuck up and fess up to being wrong sometimes. Learn a thing or two. Be an Idiot! Accept the fact that you don't know shit. Because when you think you know shit, you refuse to learn the shit that you don't know, and there's always something you don't know. You're always an Idiot somehow. If you can't admit that you're an Idiot (at times when you're being one, at times when you're wrong, at times you really don’t know jack shit), then that makes you an even BIGGER Idiot because then you're not only an Idiot, but one that who can't learn shit. In other words, you're an Idiot who thinks he's Smart, a "Know-It-All", and that's one of the most destructive types of people you can be. An Idiot who thinks he's Smart does the same stupid shit over and over again, no matter what he's told or what he damages or who he hurts. An Idiot who thinks he is Smart refuses to change his own behavior and expects the world around him to change instead. An Idiot who thinks he’s smart fails to accept new information, no matter how strong the evidence is, and instead insists on being “right”. They fail to learn. They fail to adopt. They fail to grow. It's not his fault and his own stupidity, it's the other person’s fault, it’s their ex’s fault, it’s their parents fault, it's the universe's fault! After all, he knows best and always makes the right choice. Everyone else is mistaken, everyone else is an Idiot, not him. People mistreat him and it has nothing to do with him being an Idiot, or so he believes. It has everything to do with the other person being an Idiot. The Know-It-All blames external scapegoats for internal problems because he believes he knows all the shit there is to know and values being right more than self acceptance, flaws and all. They play the victim card Approach work, relationships, and life as an Idiot. Accept the fact that you don't know shit. And even the shit you know is not enough. This will give you the humbleness to admit you're not always right and always have something new to learn. This will let you own up to your fuck ups, rather than adamantly defend your mistakes or flawed points of view. This will give you the confidence to say "I don't know" or "I was wrong", instead of pretending you do know and always make the right decisions. This will let you escape the victim mentality, because a victim believes "truths" of the world make their life miserable and refuse to accept that maybe, just maybe, they're in the wrong and they are personally responsible for their own misfortune. Know-It-Alls believe misfortune is a "fact" in life that is handed to them, instead of a problem that came about because they had no fucking clue what they were doing. Idiots admit they have no clue what they're doing and can then be open to learning solutions. They’re also open to empathizing with others because they don’t get why the person feels the way they do. Yeah, you're stupid sometimes. Yeah, you're not always right. Own that shit. Be a freaking Idiot and embrace not knowing shit. Open your mind to learning a thing or two. Don’t be a Know-It-All. That's a FIXED Mindset and makes change impossible. Know-It-Alls Make the Same Mistakes Mistakes happen. Mistakes are Meh. Mistakes don’t determine failure.They’re part of the process, part of earning success. Only failure determines failure. That said, once a mistake is made, once you fuck up like an idiot, you have to learn from it. You have to say “Well, I’m never gonna fuck up like that again” and mean it. Know-It-Alls pretend like they aren’t the cause of the mistake and the mistake only happened due to circumstances, not their own fault. They wind up doing the same thing that lead them in the pit of mess to begin with repeatedly, never understanding the fact that maybe what they’re doing isn’t the right way to do it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. It’s better to be stupid than to be insane. Be an Idiot and be at fault when you make a mistake, then learn not to do it again. Know-It-Alls Try to Be Right All the Time They think they’re smart and have nothing left to learn. Naturally, in being so “smart”, they believe that what they think is always the correct way of thinking. They never doubt their own opinion. Doubt is okay. Doubt is the first step towards learning. Doubt is challenging one’s beliefs. Idiots allow this challenge to happen. Idiots Doubt themselves all the time. Idiots are willing to listen to counter-arguments and pick up new insight. Know-It-Alls, on the other hand, don’t listen at all. They refuse to. In their mind, they’re thinking “Why listen when I already know the other person is wrong?” They get argumentative when someone gives them criticism to the point where they try to verbally destroy their opponent. They’re debaters, not listeners. Any research done by a Know-It-All is done with a “confirmation bias”, so they can confirm what they already know to be true, instead of seeking opposing views. Idiots, to the contrary, listen to opposing viewpoints because they don’t think they have all the answers and are willing to be stupid enough to try and find them, even if that means challenging a personal set of beliefs. Know-It-Alls Lack Empathy. They fail to empathize with others because they “know” that’s not how you’re “supposed to feel” and they don’t feel that way anyway. They dismiss any emotion besides their own because their feelings about the situation are the only “right” ones to have. Idiots are open to understanding why a person feels the way they do because they don’t know shit about the other person’s emotions unless that person tells them. Know-It-Alls Try to NEVER Take the Blame It’s their parents’ fault, the way they were raised, for being so avoidant. It’s their ex’s fault for being so heartless.It’s society’s fault for being so poor. It’s the teacher’s fault for handing them a bad grade. It’s their boss’ fault for getting fired. They “know” they are perfect, just the way they are, and it certainly couldn’t be a mistake or flaw of their own that they need to fix or improve. They blame the bus for being late, rather than their own laziness for sleeping in (something Idiot ProcrastiN8rs don’t do). They blame the bank for charging them an overdraft fee, rather than their own lack of budgeting skills. They blame the glass for breaking, instead of their own stupidity in dropping it. Inanimate objects are often the scapegoat for a Know-It-All’s anger, and if it’s not an inanimate object they blame, then it’s an animate one. See, they don’t see others as people but as objects. Objects of love. Objects of desire. Objects of hate. Objects of disgust. Objects to blame when things go wrong. People become objects when you “know it all” and use knowledge to define who they are, rather than actually “see” them, and connect to them, as a human being. Idiots simply know it’s their fault, when it is in fact their fault. They fuck up and own that shit. Avoid being a Know-It-All But Don’t Be a Complete Dumb Ass Either While it’s good to be an Idiot and come to terms with the fact that you know very little shit, there’s another extreme ,on the opposite side of the spectrum, that you must avoid. In your quest to become an Idiot, you don’t want to go overboard and become a complete Dumb Ass. A dumb ass is someone who doesn’t know shit AND refuses to learn shit. A Know-It-All does know some shit, but refuses to learn new shit. An Idiot barely knows shit but is willing to learn new shit. The important difference between an Idiot and a Dumb Ass is that an Idiot is actually willing to listen to others, correct mistakes, challenge their beliefs, and admit their fuck ups. Both don’t know shit, but only one will know a little more shit at the end of the day. And if you don’t know which one is which by now then you truly are a Dumb Ass. Wrapping Up It's smarter to be an Idiot than to be a goddamn Know-It-All. As Weird Al said “Dare to be stupid.”” You don't know it all. In fact, you don't know a whole lot. And the more you know, the more you realize don't know. Life is a learning-process that will constantly remind you how much of an Idiot you truly are. You will slowly become a bit less of an Idiot, but no matter how much you learn, you're still an Idiot. An Idiot questions: "What the fuck am I doing wrong? How come I'm such an Idiot?" While the Know-It-All pompously declares: "I'm right. The world is wrong. I know this is true." I have no fucking clue if I'm right about any of this. After all, I'm such an Idiot! There’s this fundamentally flawed idea in society that relationships are “hard work”, that it takes a bunch of jumping through hoops and fighting with fire to successfully pull off this wonderful thing we call love.
Arguments, fights, drama are all assumed to be part of a romantic relationship or marriage. “Working it out” is considered “the norm”. People sing at the top of their lungs: “Love is a battlefield”. What a fucked up mantra. Here’s the truth: relationships are not that hard. They’re actually pretty easy. It’s just that most people have NO goddamn clue what they’re actually doing. And any situation where you have no goddamn clue what you’re doing is gonna be….well, hard. It’s gonna be pretty “hard” to play a G chord if you’ve never picked up a guitar before and know pop diddly squat about the notes or music theory. But if you took even some basic guitar lessons, you’ll find the G chord to be one of the easiest chords to put your fingers on, pun intended. So with even some basic knowledge of relationships you can eliminate a lot of the “hard work”. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I figure it’s the perfect time to spread the love to my awesome readers. Of course, I don’t have the time (nor the motivation quite frankly) to dive into all the intricacies of attraction and relationships in this article, but we are gonna hit some important fundamentals. And look, I’m no relationship expert or one of these “break up coaches” or a freaking “love gurus”. I’m just a lazy dude, so take my words with a grain of salt. Nonetheless I think you’ll learn more here than in school Because meanwhile in schools and its fucked up education system, you’ll spend zero hours on relationship skills yet an entire semester on learning how to calculate the inside of shapes. You spend more time in school measuring the area of a freaking triangle than how to hmm...I don’t know, be an actual human being! Speaking of Triangle, we’ll be covering the details of how a Love Triangle is the key to a happy relationship a bit down in the article. Anyway, let’s dive into easy, practical, love advice brought to you by a dude who learned to love himself despite how lazy he is. You have to fight to win the heart of the one you love and other similar notions suggest that the key to a happy and loving relationship is some sort of tough skirmish to be won. Spoiler alert: it’s not. True love is not in war torn territory. True love is built on peace. However, it does get tricky. Because you cannot seek a partner in order to find this peace. You need to be at peace with yourself before you can be at peace with others. You need to share love inwards, before you share it outwards. Love is a diplomatic treaty to be vulnerable to each other and promise not to attack or cause pain. You each understand your true selves and expose it to one another, and focus on understanding rather than control. Of course, to go as far as to say that a relationship can be completely pain-free is fantasy. That’s just not reality. Every relationship, no matter how good, no matter what stage it’s at, is going to bring some form of pain, some form of suffering. Having that initial awkward first sex as you learn about the other person physically. Pain. Having the honeymoon phase wear off and realising instead of being the perfect twin flames, you’re two actual human beings. Pain. Having to pay bills and still budget in a date night. Pain. Watching your partner grow old and sickly, relying on more and more meds as they age. Pain. Breaking up. Pain. No matter which stage you’re at or where you end up in the relationship, there’s gonna be pain. You basically choose the pain you want to put up with and so does your partner. That’s not to say you should put up with toxic behavior, because a healthy relationship allows each person to set boundaries. It’s a co-op mission, not a competition, and you should never put someone else on a pedestal by allowing them to be shitty towards you. It does, however mean, you put up with mistakes made by both yourself and your partner in a way that allows you both to learn and grow from them. Of course some mistakes (such as cheating) are not something that should be put up with ever, but that’s just like my opinion, man. Sure a mistake might initially be painful, but at the end of the day, all mistakes are “meh”. You live and learn. While no relationship can be “problem free”, it can certainly be “worry-free”. It’s all a mindset change. It’s not so much about creating a smooth sailing ride, it’s about handling the waves with a bit of finesse by staying relaxed and going with the flow. Every relationship is going to come with its own set of problems, it’s own set of waves. There’s no such thing as the “perfect” relationship. Like anything in life, any time you chase for perfection, you wind up fucked (and not the pleasant kind of fucked either). Waves are gonna crash and you just have to handle it, calmly and steadily. If you want a relationship to last, you must love the person for who they are, flaws and all, not who you want them to become, not how they make you feel, but who they *are*. And in order to do so, you must in turn love who *you* are as well. You will see your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your partners and come to realize you’re just two human beings struggling to find their way in this sea of life. See it’s not about finding someone who brings no struggle, it’s about finding someone worth struggling with. After all, we’re all flawed human beings. It’s not about avoiding pain completely, It’s about how you handle the pain. Do you let it tear you down? Do you project it and use it to tear down your partner? Or do you use pain as a motivator to move forward and evolve? Can you ride the waves or will you wipe out? You’re going to fight, no matter what, the question is: what are you fighting for? Are you fighting to protect the relationship or are you fighting to protect yourself? You must fight the good fight. You must be responsible for your own emotions. You must fight the urge to lash out or act demanding. You must wrestle down the tendency to storm off. You must embrace your laziness. Relax. And listen. Listen to your own emotions without reacting to them. Listen to your partner's emotions without reacting to them. Just listen, learn, and slowly and gracefully respond. It is instantly acting on emotions, giving into the self righteous Ego, that is the cause of most arguments between couples. Often times a verbal or physical argument is the manifestation of an inner battle that couldn’t be resolved in one’s own mind. Procrastinate. Take time to think and examine how you feel. Respond with poise and grace. By not taking the time to Procrastinate with Purpose and settle down into your own thoughts and feelings and instead unleashing them vigorously, you are placing the responsibility of your emotions on your partner. The minute you place the responsibility of your emotions on to your partner is the minute you turn the relationship from a peaceful treaty into a declaration of war. The minute you blame them for how you are feeling or take any action to release your negativity (yelling, pouting, or even raising fists) is the minute you begin to prove you neither love them or yourself...at least in that moment you’re not showing love. But if that happens enough times, the relationship will surely come to an end because there’s only so many times you can fail to show love in times of crisis that your partner starts to believe you truly don’t. There be only so many times yer ship can fall to the waves before it’s clear she ain’t seaworthy, yarr! Now that’s not to say you shouldn’t express your negative feelings or disagreements at all. Bottling up is just as unhealthy as unleashing immediately. What it means is you share your concern in an honest and gentle way. You open your True Self, rather than remain closed off in your Ego. Honest expression of yourself is the key to building a happy and healthy relationship,but that’s only half the recipe. The other half is your partner willing to give the same honest expression. Integrity builds bonds. You should never sacrifice your own self worth or dignity, nor should you expect your partner to. Part of being vulnerable, part of opening yourself up to your partner, part of sharing love is actually being honest, practicing your integrity. You must take off the veil and show who you really are. If you are agreeing to make sacrifices that you aren’t happy about, then you are sacrificing nothing but your own dignity and integrity (and likely the entire relationship later down the line).If you are allowing intolerable behaviors to be tolerated, then you are not allowing your true inner self to shine through. It is always better to tolerate your own exposure, your own vulnerability, then it is to tolerate a toxic behavior. Being a “good” partner is much less attractive than being an honest one. A good partner typically is hiding from their true self. And if you aren’t revealing your true self, then you aren’t offering true love. Instead, you’re offering “people pleasing” towards one person in exchange for approval. Love is not an exchange or expectation to receive but a gift. You give yourself, fully, so the other person can give themselves and you can both create a relationship together in harmony. Of course, disagreeing or setting boundaries does not mean scrutinizing your partner. It simply means stating how you honestly feel in a calm yet confident way, Now with that said, let’s dig in deeper into what I call the Love Triangle of a happy healthy relationship. A strong healthy, and happy relationship has essentially 3 separate relationships. 1. The relationship you have with yourself First and foremost is loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? You must feel cozy in your own bed before you sleep in someone else’s. Be comfortable with being alone. Hunker down in solitude. Embrace your own presence with grace and appreciation before you go being appreciated by another. Give yourself the time and care you would offer to someone you truly love. Forgive your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Empathize with your own flaws and compliment your strengths. Listen to your thoughts and encourage your dreams. 2. The relationship your partner has with him/herself Your partner should be equally secure in him/herself as you are in yourself. If they don’t love themselves, then they can never really love you (or anyone else for that matter). A person who doesn’t love themself will either become overly dependent, needing you to fill the emptiness they feel inside or overly critical, pointing out your flaws in order to hide their own. On the flip side, a self-loved partner will give instead of take and compliment instead of criticize, build instead of destroy, and ultimate love instead of need. 3. The relationship you both share. You don’t complete each other. You are complete as individuals. Therefore, you are able to come together as two separate fulfilled people and create a mutual goal called a “relationship”. This establishes the mindset of “Us versus the Problem” because no longer are you two Egos fighting to protect themselves, but instead are two True Selves fighting to protect a bond together. It also allows you to focus on creating lasting memories and stories. A “break up” happens when one person stops investing in one of those three relationships and it stops growing. If you stop loving yourself or building self-development then your partner will lose attraction for you, and attraction is the baseline for love. You can’t have love without attraction, just like you can’t have pizza without the dough, no matter how much sauce, cheese, and pepperoni you have. If your partner stops loving themselves or stops evolving, then you’ll likely lose attraction for them or they’ll simply stop loving you (since they don’t love themselves). And if either one of you stops putting in the time and effort to make the relationship a worthwhile experience, then that will lead to boredom and resentment. Instead of making it a big fuss or asking “What can I do to fix this or make it better?” You simply need to ask: Which of the Three parts of the Love Triangle do we need to put more effort in? Which relationship do we need to invest in? Minimize effort. Maximize results. Are you spending so much of your time taking out your significant other on dates and spending time with them that you’ve neglected your own friends in hobbies? Invest in the relationship with yourself, Are you cancelling dates to hang out with friends or working overtime and coming home too tired to give attention to your partner? Invest in the relationship you both share. Now obviously only two of these relationships are in your control, well, more like one and a half. You are completely in control of the relationship with yourself and half in control of the one shared with your partner. Your partner is in control of their own relationship with themselves. The best you can do is encourage them to get back on track, if they are failing to invest in themselves, but you’re not there to fix them. You’re a tour guide gently ushering them in the right direction, not a work horse carrying all their weight. Lead by example rather than trying to force them to move. One more note on Love Triangles before we wrap up. In recent years, there has been a sort of rise in popularity of poly-sexuality. I fully support any sort of expression of sexuality and poly is no different. Quite frankly, I agree with a lot of their criticisms of monogamy. For one, monogamy, in the traditional sense, forces people to behave in such a way where they become reliant on one person for their needs -- sexually, mentally, emotionally. It is indeed limiting. One could argue it’s even a form of ownership, especially when people express things like “s/he’s mine!” I do find, however, that ownership is only true if the two people are stuck in their Egos rather than openly expressing their true self. The Ego is a greedy bastard and takes pride in owning things -- it objectifies the person as something to obtain: an object of sex, an object of love, an object of feeling good. Poly says “Hey you’re free as a person. You’re a rich and full human being. I don’t own your mind, body, heart, or spirit”. I like that attitude. Poly also promotes the one thing that makes any relationship work: open honesty. However, monogamy gets one thing right in its approach to relationships: depth. Like anything in life, I believe that extreme sides of the spectrum are almost always wrong, and this case is no different. So in summary, to put a balance on this equation: What polygamy gets right: You shouldn’t rely on any ONE person for your emotional stability, sense of meaning, or happiness What monogamy gets right: You can’t find emotional *depth* by spreading your love across a wide range of people. Basically, the more width you have, the less depth you have and vice versa. While I believe love is abundant, depth comes from connection and connection takes time, and time is certainly limited. In other words, there is simply not enough time to build a connection as deep as possible by spreading the love to as many people as possible. No matter how many partners you choose though, or who you choose, you always have to choose yourself first. Many people make the mistake of using a relationship as a crutch to help themselves stand up, but a strong healthy relationship is two (or more) people that can stand on their own two feet and walk together, slow n’ steady. People try to put in all this tireless effort to try and “fix” a person. Look, a person can only fix themselves. It’s not your job to fix them and doing so will largely lead to disappointment. Besides, if one person is broken in the relationship then the relationship itself is broken. If one slice of bread in a sandwich is moldy, then the whole sandwich is moldy. Don’t eat a moldy sandwich. Don’t be in a relationship just to be in one. Find something meaningful and that starts with finding yourself. Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow ProcrastiN8r. Love, N8 P.S. Spread the love by sharing this with your partner(s)! :D Right about this time of year, if you don’t have a significant other, the fact that you are on your own is rubbed in your face with this upcoming celebration of “Single’s Awareness Day”, err, Valentine’s Day.
Pink heart decorations are everywhere and we’re bombarded with commercials and posts on social media of couples being all in love n’ stuff. Fuck it. Being single has its perks. Freedom being among one of the top benefits of being single. And if you are in a relationship, well then maybe you feel the pressure of making February 14th “extra special” for your partner. Don’t. Look, Valentine’s Day is really not all it’s cracked up to be anyway. It’s really just a way to sell chocolate, flowers, teddy bears, jewelry. and restaurant reservations. It’s all corporate propaganda, using “love” as a cheesy sales tactic to get you to pull out your wallet. “If you don’t buy gifts on Valentine’s Day, you don’t really love them.” is the message shoved down our throats. It’s utter bullshit. You can give random surprises and express love any time of year and don’t have to “buy into” corporate pressure to do so on a specific day. Procrastinate and do it when you want. If you’re single for Valentine’s Day, relax man. It’s just another day. Enjoy it how you want. And if you do happen to be in a relationship, you too should relax and tone down the obsession with making it a “perfect day” for your love. Date yourself. Being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. There’s a difference between “being alone” and “loneliness”. Being alone is simply the state of not having company. From there, you choose how to embrace that situation. You choose to either suffer or find comfort in it. Loneliness is the act of suffering while you are alone and it is a choice. Youchoose to take on the belief that you’re “not good enough” to make friends or find a romantic partner, then convince yourself that it’s a painful experience. But you don’t have to. Remember, in general, you may not control the shit life throws at you, but you do control your own reaction to it and mindset towards it. So the question is not: “How do I avoid being alone on Valentine’s day (or otherwise)?” The question is: “How do I make the best of being alone?” If you view it as a burden, then you’ll be torn down. If you see being alone as some sort of representation of your self worth, then you need to stop placing your self worth on external factors such as other people’s opinion of you. You need to start appreciating yourself so you can make being alone worthwhile. Even in a relationship, there are times you are going to be alone, times you should be alone. You aren’t attached by the hip to your partner and shouldn’t act like it. Space is necessary in a healthy relationship. You and your partner should each do your own thing once in a while. Each person having “alone time” is necessary for staying together. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Whether you’re away from your significant other, just went through a rough break up, or have been single for years, being alone isn’t so bad. Really, it isn’t. It’s like jumping off the high dive, feeling all nervous and afraid as you look down to the water below. You hesitate to take a leap, but by the time you land in the pool, you realize it ain’t so bad and were anxious about nothing at all. If you’re alone, embrace it, fully. Don’t try to hold back. Jump in the goddamn pool of being alone! You’ll see there’s nothing to be anxious or worry about. Being alone, at its core, is being fully and completely present with yourself, and if you are saying that being with yourself is a burden, what’s that say about your level of self love? Instead of focusing on being with someone or not, focus on being with yourself first and foremost. Dive into that pool. Go deep within yourself. Love yourself first, before you love anyone else. If you can’t stand being alone, it’ll only be a matter of time before your partner can’t stand you. If you can’t stand being alone, then you really don’t love yourself very much, and in turn, don’t really love your partner (current or past). In fact, you’re idealizing them. You’re putting them up on the couch, while you lie on the floor. You’re in love with an idea or perhaps how they make you feel, not them as a person, because until you love yourself as a person, you can’t love anyone else. A good way to measure whether or not you truly love yourself (and your partner) is to examine your ability to be alone. If you see being alone as an opportunity to have freedom, grow as an individual, and reflect on your own values, then you’ll evolve as a person, and further, you’ll find love within yourself. If you find comfort in “hanging out” with yourself, then you’ll find comfort in hanging out with other people. If you find comfort in “dating” yourself, then you’ll find comfort in dating other people. But seriously, be your own best damn date you ever had. Wine and dine yourself. Buy yourself gifts. Tell yourself compliments. Encourage your own goals. Offer yourself forgiveness and understanding when you make mistakes. If you do these things for someone else and not for yourself, then that’s not love. That’s worship. Enjoy your own company. Even if you are in a relationship, if you’re not comfortable with being alone, that relationship isn’t going to last long at all. Hate to break it to ya, but it’s true. Single people actually have an advantage over couples, in a way. See, couples can begin to *rely* on each other for validation easily. I mean while being single you may think “Oh I don’t have validation from someone else.” Good. It kind of forces you to validate yourself, which builds confidence. Give yourself compliments. Having a partner there for validation is like a drug. You can feel euphoria (and validation) immediately. But just like a drug, it becomes easy to slip into the habit of taking the drug instead of doing something else (more productive) that makes you feel an equal sense of euphoria. In other words, a relationship, if you’re not careful and don’t , can become a series of chasing the next big “high” instead of building something meaningful. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never really doing the self inner-work necessary for the foundation of a healthy one. And by the way, nothing against drugs. Just like getting validation from your partner, it’s all good in moderation. I mean why would you want to be with a partner that NEVER validates you? It’s when you RELY on it that it becomes a problem. It should be fun. You should enjoy it. You should appreciate it. You should not NEED it. And yes, I just compared being in a relationship to recreational drug use. You should always date yourself, even if you’re already in a relationship. Never forget the importance of being your own person and taking care of yourself. Don’t care so much about another person that you stop caring about yourself. Don’t make someone part of your identity to the point you lose who you are. A relationship is not a test of how well each person love’s each other, rather it’s a test of how well each person can be alone. Sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But I can’t stress enough, relying on someone else for happiness will, more often than not, lead to getting hurt (ie. a breakup, divorce, cheating, etc). You have to successfully be alone in order to successfully have a lasting relationship. You are responsible for how you feel. You can’t make someone else responsible for your emotions. Doing so will lead to resentment, loss of respect and attraction, and ultimately, the end of the relationship. Happiness comes from within and if your partner is your source of happiness, then you’re not in control of your own happiness. After all, they have free will and they can choose to leave. It’s not until we lose a person do we think to ourselves: Who I am I without him/her? And while that normally comes from a place of sadness and loss, I encourage you to actually consider the question with some hope: Who are you? Who actually are you without a person? And this is a question you should be asking whether you’re together with someone or not. You should be able to answer it as well, and if you can’t, it means you must be alone in order to find it. You must find and maintain your own identity. You must find maintain your own sense of purpose, values, set of beliefs, hobbies, and interests. Often times after break ups people have a sort of identity crisis. They feel as though this person was “part of” who they are. They feel lost and don’t know who they are any more, as if half of them decided to walk out the door. If you master the art of being alone, however, you’ll never lose half of yourself again, because you’ll in fact be complete as a person, on your own. You’ll feel whole, with or without anyone, and that’s what you want to accomplish. There’s this ridiculous idea in society, in books, movies, and TV shows; you may even hear your friend say “s/he completes me” or “s/he is my better half”; but it’s this idea that an idea relationship consists of two *incomplete* people coming together to make each other whole or complete. Then we look at the high divorce rate and wonder what we’re doing wrong. It’s because we push the romance (because it sells novels and movie tickets). Society pushes the notion that we need to “find someone to love”, but really what we need to do is “find how to love ourselves.” An ideal relationship, one that actually works in the long run, is two separate but WHOLE people who have a high level of self love, coming together to participate in a mutual project to build trust and a deep connection in love. In other words, your partner should *add* to your awesomeness, not *be* your awesomeness. Pepperoni is good. Pizza is good. Together they’re even better. But they are awesome foods in their own right. I don’t need pepperoni to enjoy pizza and I don’t need pizza to enjoy pepperoni. Likewise, you have to be able to enjoy yourself in your own right, without another person involved. Someone can make you better and vice versa, but they aren’t what makes you “good” in the first place. You make yourself good. A relationship should be something you want, not something you need. You’d be happy with it. You’d be happy without it. You’re indifferent. It doesn’t matter either way. You shouldn’t make a partner your source of emotional strength or feeling of self-wroth. Measuring your own value by how your partner feels about you is a bad way to live (and not to mention it’s a bad way to participate in a relationship too) You want to achieve solitude. Solitude is the act of finding comfort in being alone, when you realize you have Freedom: you can do what you when, when you want, without confiding in someone else. You make your own decisions, stand up for your own principles, and have your own sense of purpose Self-Reliance: you are aware of your emotions and are able to stay calm in reaction to them and don’t need someone else to comfort you or make you feel better. Self-Love: all the feelings of love you could ever want come from within and another person is simply a projection, a symbol, of those feelings. You feel fulfilled on your own. Embracing solitude allows you to achieve independence. Independence is the key to a happy and healthy relationship. It is also the key to a fulfilling life (relationship or not) You don’t (or very well shouldn’t) NEED someone to be happy. Often times a relationship fails due to some type of needy or approval-seeking behavior present, such as begging or acting jealous. Many people make the mistake of entering a relationship to make themselves happy through another person. They try hard to please them, catering to their every wish, waiting on them hand and foot. Not only is this a lot of work and effort, it also sub-communicates a lack of self respect, and that’s severely unattractive. That said, *too much* independence is not healthy for a relationship either, but that’s another topic for another day. For now, embrace being alone. Love your lazy little self and do whatever the fuck you want on Valentine’s Day. I don’t care if you’re single or not. Fuck Valentine’s Day. Don't buy elaborate gifts or reservations to fancy restaurants. Focus on self love rather than romance. Take it easy, N8 P.S. Subscribe to the newsletter so you don't miss another article. No spam. I promise. Just one e-mail, one article per week. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
March 2022
Categories |
RSS Feed